Archived Story
Keeping Marriage Alive: Appreciating conflict
Published 2:08pm Saturday, July 31, 2010Editor’s note: This is the second in a five-part series on helping relationships work. David Larson’s columns appear every other Sunday.
David Larson
Power for Living
Some imagine that the perfect marriage is one in which there is no tension, where everything stays on an even keel — no disruptions. If something is not going our way, we think something is wrong. We find ourselves interpreting disappointments as problems. We tend to see conflict as bad.
- David Larson
Today I invite us to consider marriage a partnership where each individual nudges the other to grow, to see things a little differently, where we expand each other’s perceptions of the possibilities. There is evidence of strength in our marriage when our mate helps us become a better person than we were yesterday. This means we are challenged to stretch out of our comfort zone, to be more sensitive to our mate, to be confronted. Our partner is one of our greatest teachers. Part of our calling as a mate is to be a willing student.
Our partner may be giving us opportunities to learn patience. Perhaps he or she can help us see a different point of view. Maybe our partner is there to give us practice in not taking things personally. Perhaps he/she is there to prompt us to develop assertiveness skills by declaring more clearly what is important to us. Maybe we will become more appreciative of diversity as we see how different our partner is from us.
Conflict is an opportunity for growth. Often our partner mirrors back to us the precise things in ourselves we have trouble seeing without help. Our mate is someone who can be honest with us about things most people would not care enough to mention. Their honesty, given with respect, is one of their greatest gifts to us.
Even if your partner is frequently disrespectful or insensitive, it may be your chance to learn to stand up for yourself, to claim yourself as valuable enough to fight for you.
Some of you may discover you are in an abusive relationship. You may have found this relationship so that you can learn something by leaving it. All relationships are gifts, even when they don’t feel good.
So here’s this week’s challenge: What has bugged you about your partner? What gift is there in this irritation for you? What underdeveloped part of you is being called forth by this disappointment or conflict? How can you be a better person because of who this person is in your life?
David Larson is a marriage coach and psychologist. He can be reached at the Institute For Wellness, 507-373-7913, or at his website,www.callthecoach.com.
I would like to be a fly on the wall at David Larson’s house. I would love to see the pro in action. His wife Carol is a ” SWEET-HEART. ”
I have known both of them for years. David and I like to joke and tease each other. We call him ” THE COACH.”
A lot of questions. Rhetoric. Good points. Do you please your Woman? Sexually you may do. Do you envelope her into a 50/50 proposition? I don’t see it in most relationships from my perspective. It’s an old proposition to keep together. A marriage of 50 years or more has gone away. Proud my parents are there. We live in different expectations today.
As a ” Marriage Coach”? Knowing that divorce rate is over 50% in USA. A bit too easy don’t you think? You are up against odds,or in line. Will you keep busy for the folks who have insurance? Ignore or reject those who do not? Socialized Medical may be up your alley. Hmmm?
I have a question for ” THE COACH. ” How do I fix this marriage problem?
My wife of 15 years said when she met me that she liked that I was a talker , now after 15 years of marriage she says if I don’t shut up she’s going to leave me. LOL. ( Just kidding. ) I always tease my wife on that one.