Column: Pass the Hot Dish, by Alexandra Kloster

If 2011 taught me anything about life in this country of mine,

it’s that you’re nobody until you pick up a cause and stand outside holding a sign.

 

From Wall Street to Main Street the 99 percent stood shoulder-to-shoulder and back-to-back.

I tried to help, but it wasn’t much fun just standing in my cul de sac.

 

In 2011 the world ended. Hold on, Harold Camping, not so fast.

I’m looking around and it seems to me this place was built to last.

 

I don’t know who told Harry we’re doomed. Tea leaves? A four-leaf clover?

But I’d sooner believe that prophet Yogi Berra who said, “It ain’t over till it’s over.”

 

This year Oprah left our living rooms. Now must we worship her from afar?

Forget it. I watched that show for 25 years, and I never got a free car.

 

There was something about Charlie, the one called Sheen, that sent our heads collectively spinning.

Strung out, unemployed, estranged from his kids, Charlie, are you sure that’s called “winning”?

 

I was glad to see Osama bin Laden go. After all, killing people is how he got his kicks.

But it still felt strange to celebrate death, so I just said a quiet thank you to God and Navy SEAL Team 6.

 

To raise or not raise the debt ceiling, that was the question last summer.

A deal was reached. Standard & Poor’s still lowered the boom. That was a major a bummer.

 

There was a girl named Kate and a boy named Will whose wedding had the world in its grippa.

Who would have thought the one to steal the show would be the hot little sister named Pippa?

 

Meanwhile back in the states we got the Kardashian nuptials, and it’s here that I’m a little stuck.

It’s hard to find a word to rhyme with annulment, so I’ll simply wish the ex bride and groom good luck.

 

The 2011 Vikings season has been an exercise in frustration and tedium.

Really guys, for now, ease up on the billion-dollar stadium.

 

In July, Gen-Xers said thanks as Atlantis lifted off for the last time. Space shuttle you’re real cool.

Not because you advanced science, but because every time you launched we got to watch TV in school.

 

Politicians in pursuit of the oval office announced themselves this year, each one claiming to be more American and religious than the opposition.

Funny, I thought, as I listened to them speak, I didn’t know loving God and country was such a competition.

 

Birds were angry and friends had words. Those were the games we played.

Maybe we played them too much because nerves began to get frayed.

 

Take poor Alec Baldwin, sitting on a plane, all he wanted was that triple word score.

So he broke the rules because he’s a big star, and that made some people sore.

 

If you weren’t playing “Words With Friends” or “Angry Birds,” it’s probably because you were planking, that trend where you lay in an unusual spot and wait for cameras to start snapping.

I plank all the time in as many places as I can. I plank every chance I get. Extreme planking I call it because that’s cool. Others call it napping.

 

I’m not sure what it was about 2011, but things got a little weird. Pepper spray at Walmart and fights at the Mall of America. Can’t we shop without fear of attack?

I hope 2012 brings peace and happiness, but just to be safe, “Hey, Oprah. Maybe it’s time to come back.”

 

Woodbury resident Alexandra Kloster appears each Sunday. She may be reached at alikloster@yahoo.com, and her blog is Radishes at Dawn at alexandrakloster.com.