Families First by Maryanne Law

Question: 

My children seem to continually hassle each other.  Will they ever really enjoy each other?

 

Answer: 

Even in the relationship of marriage, where both partners have chosen each other after falling in love, where each person fulfills deep and important needs in the relationship, there are often regular periods of conflict. A common characteristic of childhood is to want what you want when you want it. The presence of siblings is a sure guarantee that there is less chance than ever of getting things to run that way. It can take a lot of living for brothers and sisters to discover the very genuine assets they are for each other: often it takes growing up.

Accepting a fact doesn’t mean accepting it in any and all forms. When sibling rivalry escalates into physical or verbal aggression, it is time for adult intervention. Children caught in uncontrollable impulses need a reasonably mature adult to come along and stop what they can’t stop themselves. Children need to be told, “If you are feeling mad, you can say so, or you can stomp with your feet or pound a pillow; human victims are off limits.”

A 12-year-old was taunting her younger brother who was failing in fourth-grade arithmetic.  When their mother overheard the taunting, she stormed into the room in righteous wrath and said, “You can call him a jerk, you can tell him he’s a crumb, but you are not permitted to hurt his feelings about something that he really cares about!”

As in all ambivalent relationships, which include most of those in this life, the building of life experiences and the development of common associations bond us together.  Fortunately, what happens to brothers and sisters is the same things that happens to people in general; being social creatures, we find that companionship, friendship and love offer rich compensations for some of the limitations and frustrations of sharing the world with others.

It is more than likely that the day will come when siblings will reminisce about their childhood and they will discover all the common memories they share.  In a way, they will be memories that no other people in the world could have and it will make them feel very close.

If you would like to talk with a parenting specialist about the challenges in raising children, call the toll-free Parent WarmLine at 1-888-584-2204.  For free emergency child care call Crisis Nursery at 1-877-434-9599. Check out the PRC Specialty Library at 105 First St. S.E., Austin and www.familiesandcommunities.org.

 

Maryanne Law is the executive director of the Parenting Resource Center in Austin.