The Nice Advice, by Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

I really don’t want to spend Christmas with my extended family this year. I have a cousin who always tells embarrassing stories about me. She knows it bothers me and I think that’s why she does it. How do I get her to stop? Or do you have any good excuses for me not to go?

— Sick of Mean Stories

 

Dear Sick,

Well, it sure sounds like your cousin either has some growing up to do or has unresolved emotional issues of her own. It could be that, rather than having attention drawn to her flaws, she’s highlighting your past transgressions.

I’m guessing it’s tempting for you to tell tales of your own and get her to bite her tongue. Since you haven’t done this yet, you must be the kind of person who chooses to take the high road. Lashing out at her really wouldn’t do you any good.

Avoiding her is a potential solution, however, if there are other family members you haven’t seen for a while and you enjoy their company, avoidance is not a good solution for you.

If you would rather not see anyone, you could say you have the flu — there is a nasty strain that has been going around, so that is a legitimate excuse. No one wants to get sick over Christmas.

If you want to get her to stop — the quickest and most effective way to steal someone’s steam (i.e. the hot air spewing from their mouth) is to assure they do not have an audience.

You can connect with the party’s host ahead of time and explain the situation if you feel comfortable or just suggest games or other events that people can engage in. If the stories tend to be told at the dinner table, you could also help set the tables and ensure people who are not amused by her antics are sitting next to her to keep her in line.

If, at some point, you do fall prey to one of her stories, you can take the opportunity to clarify what really happened and have fun with it — adding details that she wouldn’t know and turning more positive attention your way.

You could take an opportunity to change the subject (this is an art — look it up). You can simply say, “I’m so glad I’m not like that anymore,” or just shrug and walk away.

We all have a right to make mistakes in our lives. It’s how we learn lessons and mature. Thankfully most of us don’t have people who continually push our mistakes back in our faces. But for those of us who do, it is most effective to acknowledge the situation (if you’re ready), and move on.

Most likely your cousin is trying to get a reaction and this is precisely what you don’t want to happen. Try to remain composed around her, refrain from blushing or showing emotion when she makes her jabs. She’ll wonder how she lost her power over you and eventually she will lose interest altogether.

Hopefully your cousin will learn a lesson and find more interesting things to talk about. I know you will!

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.