Things I Tell My Wife by Matt Knutson

“Do you really think you can keep this battle up longer than me?” I challenged my wife after successfully brushing my teeth. She of course had no clue what I was talking about.

I’d been competing with her for the past several days in a match in which she was unknowingly participating.

Something I learned shortly after getting married was you no longer need two tubes of toothpaste. Two toothbrushes? Sure. The tubes? Not so much.

I’m sure once one of us ran out the other started using what was left and eventually we reached the reoccurring war that we’re currently fighting.

You see, eventually the toothpaste tube begins to empty. There are tons of tactics to squeeze that list bit of toothpaste out of the tube, but eventually everyone reaches that point where they admit defeat and throw it away.

Everyone except my wife, Sera.

I’m not suggesting she doesn’t brush her teeth, because she most certainly does. I just don’t know how in the world she’s able to keep squeezing the toothpaste out of a completely flat tube! Month after month I have always been the one to give up and throw it away because in my mind it’s empty meanwhile she insists it is still good to use for a few more days.

You hear rumors before marriage that wives have abilities beyond your comprehension, but I’m ready to affirm those rumors as true after this latest battle.

About three days ago I opened up a secret new tube of toothpaste and didn’t tell her. I simply couldn’t keep brushing with water, and she wouldn’t reveal her secrets to getting the remaining toothpaste out. Each morning and evening I’d open the box, take out the tube, squeeze out some toothpaste and then readjust the tube as if it weren’t opened, and then put it back in the box.

Was I cheating at our challenge? I suppose, but considering my other half barely realized we were in the middle of a toothpaste battle meant I deserved to at least appear to have the upper hand. It was pretty foolproof until the guilt got to me. Her response to my confession was, “I still have a day or two left in the tube we’ve been sharing.”

My world was crashing down. How could my wife be so much better than me at this? I flashed back to my grandpa who would always use a paperclip to methodically role his tube of toothpaste up as he used it. Sera and I don’t follow this practice, but even if we did, I think she’d be able to get more out of it than myself. I had to face it: Sera is better than me at this.

It’s interesting how competitive people can be, and how that might be magnified in a marriage. Sera and I don’t compete too often, but that’s largely because we tend to know each other’s strengths.

When we know someone is better at a certain task, it makes sense to let them do it. On the flip side, if one of us really dislikes doing something, the other will take care of it to keep peace in the family. But what happens when both of us want to stretch out the tube of toothpaste for as long as possible? A friendly battle.

The key to a successful marital battle is to make sure both parties are having fun.

Sera thrives on competition, so attempts just about any chance she has to outdo me. I can’t remember the number of times she’s seen how fast I have eaten my meal, so she rapidly starts eating hers in an effort to finish before me.

Other times we’ll be walking to the car and she’ll sprint forward in a desperate attempt to beat me to the car. I always win these battles, so I suppose it’s fair for her to win the toothpaste one.

These spontaneous competitions don’t turn into legitimate fights because we both know at the end of the day that winning doesn’t really matter. When we first started dating we frequently used the phrase, “I won this one.”

Now that we’re married, if I happen to use it, Sera promptly replies, “But really I won this one because I’m married to you, so it counts as a win for me when you win.”

She may be my only competitor, but she still wins when I win. I guess that means I win when she wins too. Thankfully, that also means I win our toothpaste battle. I may not be able to keep up with her tooth brushing skills, but I’ll always appreciate a worthy competitor.

 

Rochester resident Matt Knutson is the communications and events director for United Way of Olmsted County.