The Nice Advice, By Leah Albert

Dear Leah,

Well, here we are. Another Valentine’s Day. I have a longtime boyfriend that most days hardly acknowledges I’m alive, much less go out of his way to make Feb. 14 a memorable one.

I met him when I was young — immature may be a better way to phrase that. I’ve had a traumatic childhood and early adulthood. Suffice it to say, when I met him, he was everything I wanted and more.

We worked together. I watched him rise to a management role in our company. He was so smart. And he was my best friend. I was so proud of him. And proud to call him mine.

Years have passed. We’ve had two lovely sons, and he’s taken on my daughter from a previous relationship. But there are … things. Sometimes when I talk to him, he completely ignores me. He’ll get up and walk away like I’ve said nothing at all. Like I wasn’t even there. He doesn’t treat my daughter the same as he treats our sons. He says he’s not her dad, not his problem.

It kills me. I am financially dependent on him, although I am working to change this. The way he treats me shakes my confidence. Sometimes I think I need to leave him. How can I rip my family apart? I can’t fathom it. Help!

Signed, Lonely Valentine

 

Dear Valentine,

Where to begin? First things first, Valentine’s Day is the least of your problems. I can relate to your story. I grew up with a childhood trauma. I’ve loved a man who made me feel like nothing. My heart has broken time and time again for my child. But you know what? Life has gone on. And on and on and on.

I understand why this, of all holidays, will make you feel lonelier than ever — although maybe not as lonely as Mother’s Day. We should talk again in May. A day when you should be treated like the queen you are, you are met with the same old same old — or worse. It’s expectation met with gut-wrenching disappointment. So hard. I encourage you to instead surround yourself with people that lift you up.

Friends, family, coworkers. And not only today, but every day. Build your support network. And ask them for help. Tell them when you’re in need. Trust that they will be there for you, and be a direct reflection of all things beautiful in you.

You’re a mother. I will tell you right now, hands down, no doubt about it, if you’re not OK, no one is.

I’m happy to hear you are working to gain your financial independence. The more you accomplish, the more your confidence will grow. In the same breath I will remind you that if you try and fail — well, failure isn’t the end. It’s an opportunity to try again. Don’t ever forget it. And when you feel like you just can’t get back up, call those friends. Call on your support network. They will carry you until you can stand again.

Everything happens for a reason. And when you’re considering stepping out on your own, please remember your children love you more than anything. You’ve raised them to be self-sufficient, strong, little people. And whether you believe it or not, they share in your misery. Not only that, but they may be learning destructive behavior from their father. This doesn’t begin to touch on the rejection your daughter feels by being treated differently than her siblings.

Children need a strong, healthy mother. Do what it takes to give that to them. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Take care!

Sincerely, Leah

 

Leah Albert is a fictitious character. She likes wine and writing. Don’t ask her to be a matchmaker. Do send your questions to Leah at theniceadviceleahalbert@gmail.com.