AIDS victims' families educate despite pain

Staff

Published Friday, November 28, 2003

Editor's note: Monday is World AIDS Day. This is the first of three stories in conjunction with the day, designed to create awareness and educate the public about the disease.

By Benjamin Dipman, Tribune staff writer

Joyce and Mervin Rhody did not know that their son was HIV-positive during the five years that he knew. They found out only after his condition had worsened into AIDS.

Karen Houge found out that her son was HIV-positive nearly as soon as he did.

Regardless of their differing experiences, their reactions were practically identical.

"At that time, I thought it meant death," Joyce said.

Karen said, "I felt like it was a death sentence."

The two Albert Lea families' experiences of having a child that is a victim of AIDS differ greatly, but their pain is the same. Their strength is equally enduring. And today, their need to educate people about the disease is uniformly urgent.

Tony Rhody and Doug Houge, the parents' children, are now adults. In the 1980s Human Immunodeficiency Virus was a new phrase and Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome was broadly misunderstood. Many people associated it only with homosexuals. But, according to John Besse, a psychologist at the Freeborn County Mental Health Center, doctors have found that the virus can be spread through contaminated needles, from infected mother to infants in her womb, and even heterosexual activity.

According to Albert Lea physician Ted Myers, if you have HIV, you are infected with the virus, but "it is not causing any illness." He said HIV becomes AIDS when your immune cells, or T-cells, reach a low level. The level is low enough to cause sickness, which can lead to death.

Both Karen and Joyce's sons are gay. Years ago, when she heard about AIDS, Karen's first thought was, "I hope that Doug never gets it."

Joyce said, "This little worry had been in the back of my mind."

But their fears were realized in 1996 when the virus that their sons were carrying became AIDS. The incidences were unrelated.

Difficult at first

Karen's living room was quiet. When asked a question, she occasionally looked to the ceiling as though the answers were hanging by a string, easily attainable with a simple grab. But they were not that easy to answer. She often thought in silence before speaking.

Karen said that when she and her late husband found out about Doug's diagnosis, she "could not talk to anybody about it." She did not trust anybody, was not close enough to anybody to divulge the information, including close family members.

A big reason for hiding it was shame. "There was that stigma," she said, referring to prejudices that were, and still are, correlated with the syndrome. Another reason for her secrecy was that there were few people that she knew of in Albert Lea who were in a similar situation. "It took a long time" before she could speak on the syndrome, she said.

An AIDS support group, co-facilitated by Besse, made things easier. "They're just wonderful and understanding," Karen said of others in the group. When Karen first attended, she spent much of the time "listening to other peoples' stories. One woman made a deep impression in her mind. According to Karen, "The woman said, 'I wish I weren't here.'" This woman did not have better things to do. She was not uncomfortable with the group. She wished her son was not sick.

Listening to others encouraged Karen to ponder and speak about her own situation. "It was good to know that other people were going through the same thing," she said.

One theme that Karen initially touched upon was that "we didn't want to lose (Doug). We wanted him to get better." She told of another family who never spoke a word of their ill son. "I could never do that to Doug," she said.

Finally she talked about it with some of her family members and then friends and now she tells anybody.

"I don't care how people think," she said. The fact is, he's our son and we love him and we want him to live a good life.

New home, new challenges

It's hard to keep Joyce Rhody from talking. Her points are no less important than Karen's, but a constant flow of words come from within her, as opposed to Karen's trickle.

The Rhodys were not surprised when they learned that their son had been HIV-positive for five years before they found out. Joyce said that he's always been a private person. He was in San Francisco at the time. The Rhodys had only recently moved from Wisconsin to Albert Lea.

Once she and her husband, Mervin, found out that Tony was ill, they talked about it openly. Joyce has a theory that it was easier for them because they had recently moved. She was making new friends with the knowledge that her son had AIDS, therefore, her new friends saw AIDS as a part of her life that they would have to accept.

They were also open with family members and the openness was well-received. Joyce remembers that family members wanted to know how they could help.

Because of the distance, the Rhodys have had to provide most of their support to Doug through phone conversations and the occasional visit. "He knows we're there for him," Joyce said. Tony has siblings in San Francisco, so he receives support from them.

They also focused on education. They helped bring a one-man production to Albert Lea. The play was about AIDS and it was shown to 1,200 high school students in the former Albert Lea High school.

In addition to attending Besse's AIDS support group, Joyce has spent time talking to nurses about AIDS. She was also involved with a program called Lunch Out Loud. The program provided lunch to legislators with the intent of "informing our legislators to what's going on," she said.

She said that most legislators "were positive. Some listen but do not do anything. Our goal was to inform people. Education is the key."

(Contact Ben Dipman at ben.dipman@albertleatribune.com, or call 379-3439.)

---

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SHARE THIS STORY?

---