The differences between married men, women

Scott Schmeltzer, Thanks for Listening

Published Thursday, August 28, 2008

I saw a couple fighting the other day at the movies. I found this to be very amusing. It is funny, but whenever you see other couples fighting, it sort of reassures you that your own marriage is OK.

I also do not think this couple was married because I believe the guy was still trying to make his point after a couple of minutes. Us married guys would have realized that after more than a minute, it is futile, and we just say, “You are right, honey,” and make the talking stop.

This also made me think of other little differences that men and woman go through and how I could help the younger generation of men cope with these differences.

I made a list of a few of the differences or different ways men and women approach things:

1. Closing a bread bag. I used to spin and tuck — a very popular guy way. She showed me that you should spin and put bread-bag twist tie back on.

2. Toilet seat down. I used to leave the toilet seat up. She showed me the proper way is to put the seat down after using.

3. Hand towels. I thought that you could actually use them. My wife showed me that they are for decoration. (Because of No. 2 and No. 3, we actually have separate bathrooms now.)

4. Ice tray refilling. I assumed a ghost did it, and my bride showed me that she actually does it and then showed me how this was done. Now the ghost and my wife fill the ice trays.

5. Toilet paper replacement. I again thought that a ghost did this, but my wife Bonnie showed me not only how to change it, but that the proper way was to have it go over as opposed to the way I did it, which was having it drop behind and tear from bottom. (I am so much brighter now knowing this.)

6. How to introduce someone to another person. This person usually being my wife. In a social setting, apparently men are supposed to say “Bob, may I introduce my wife, Bonnie, to you,” and then my wife will say, “Nice to meet you, Bob.” This is tricky at first as men are not that bright, and it took a good year of really dirty looks and my wife mumbling to me about introducing her followed by a good half hour of the silent treatment to finally come around. I say to men: practice, practice, practice.

Now also on this note I need to defend guys because a lot of times we will get into trouble for not introducing our wives when actually we just do not do that because we do not actually know the names of the people we are saying hi to. It is true, guys do not know a lot of people’s names, but we do know people by sight and will say, “Hey, guy,” or “What’s up, shooter?” or some other stupid saying. So in a situation like this you need to tell your significant other, “Hey, if I do not introduce you, it is because I do not know the other person’s name.” What you do not want happening is the wife saying, “Scott, aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?” and now you are in an awkward spot of not knowing your friend’s name and sort of waiting — this seems like 37 days — until said friend introduces himself, uncovering that you are a dork.

7. Driving. I used to think that I could drive. My wife, who is an accomplished back-seat driver, has shown me the error of my ways. I now wait until every car from two miles back has gone by prior to me pulling into a lane. Also unless I call the state police for permission, I cannot pass anyone on the highway because someone just might be in the lane coming the other way. Other helpful things she does while driving is yelling, “Whoa!” if she see’s a car coming and doesn’t think I see it. (Note: I see it.)

The final driving tip I love is the friendly reminder to put my blinker on when turning — usually done about a half second prior to me actually doing this.

So you see, there are some differences between men and women. Feel free to comment on this story or write in and add your own. I realize everyone has a funny couple’s story and I would love to hear about them.

Funniest story either mailed to me or shared in comments portion of our Web site after my column will get a free “I’ve got issues” T-shirt.

Tribune Publisher Scott Schmeltzer’s column appears every Thursday. His e-mail is scott.schmeltzer@albertleatribune.com.