What goes from zero to 60 mph eventually?

Staff

Published Wednesday, November 5, 2008

“Hey, Al, should I live every day like it’s my last?” Not unless you enjoy mournful members of your family gathering around your bed and staring at you.

“What has traveling taught you?” Shampoo makes a poor substitute for toothpaste.

“What do you give a dog with a fever?” Mustard. It’s the best thing for a hot dog.

“I understand you suffer from headaches. That surprises me. I thought you’d be just a carrier.” I don’t get a headache very often since I started getting out of bed feet first.

“Something arranged my garden flowers to spell out words. What could have done this?” A spelling bee.

“Why don’t you watch televised football?” Because I’ve never been able to come up with a good answer in case anyone should ask me why I was watching televised football.

“Is Lake Inferior polluted?” No, the water is so clear that we can see all the way to the bottom where all the bottles, cans, tires and old water heaters are.

“What can I do about my wilting trailing arbutus?” Wear a long coat and hope that no one will notice.

“You drive one those cars that’s supposed to get good mileage. Does it have any power?” It goes from zero to 60 eventually.

October

We can’t do much about the past except look back at it and remember.

October has come and gone. Here’s what happened.

October was National Sarcastic Awareness Month. Yeah, right.

The Dow Jones emphasized the “ow” in the Dow. We learned that the “k” in 401(k) stands for “kaput.”

I celebrated Ben Franklin’s birthday in the normal way. My wife told me to go fly a kite.

A primary school in England stopped giving its students a spelling list to learn each week because when the students didn’t spell the words correctly in class it could cause a “sense of failure.”

The ousted CEO of Circuit City received $1.8 million in severance as the chain prepared to close stores and lay off thousands of workers in order to avoid bankruptcy. Those kids in England should experience the kind of a “sense of failure” that this CEO has.

A study showed that an unexplained rash may be linked to excessive cell phone use. Sometimes life is fair.

A Frenchman caused a two-hour train delay when he got his arm struck in a toilet while he was trying to retrieve his cell phone. And I thought users of cell phones had run out of ways to be annoying.

India readied for its first moon mission. I know where my phone calls to tech support will be routed.

A recent news story stated that “victims who lacked insurance died much more often that those who were insured.” The lesson here is that if you want to die only once, you’d better have insurance.

Researchers found that people are most creative at 10:04 p.m. and are least imaginative at 4:33 p.m. Brainwaves are least likely to flow in the afternoon, which explains the TV shows that are on in the afternoon.

Scientists created a computer chip capable of storing 127 million songs on an iPod. This will give people something to do in the afternoon when they are unable to think.

Banks accepting the taxpayer bailouts have set aside $108 million in executive bonuses. The federal government is hunting for the crooks on Wall Street. That should be an easy job. All they need do is arrest every executive who gets a bonus.

O.J. was found guilty. Mr. Clean died. There is believed to be no connection.

Sarah Palin bought a $150,000 costume and it wasn’t even Halloween.

Gas prices dropped to a cost that we thought was way too high three years ago.

A politico called and told me that if I voted for him, he promised to reduce taxes. If he didn’t, I would get my vote back.

The headlines from Hartland Harold

Here are the headlines according to our chief pundit, Hartland Harold.

It’s always Wednesday in Hartland. The calendar broke.

Governor tells taxpayers that if they want to drive on good roads, they should travel out of state.

A Neighborhood Watch begins in Hartland — it’s a Timex.

Local inventor, Pat Pending, invents a crème-filling detector to use on boxes of assorted chocolates.

Softy’s Hardware offers a sale on shark repellent, jigsaw puzzle floor tile and Swiss Army golf club.

Tourists are reminded to keep Hartland green by bringing money.

Antiques Roadshow visits Hartland. “I have never seen so many really old whoopee cushions,” said the producer of the program.

Hospital spokesman says that since their ambulance driver passed the bar exam, they’ve cut their emergency response time in half.

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.

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