I avoided it for as long as I possibly could.

Wednesday, January 31, 2001

I avoided it for as long as I possibly could. Even a man with a gift for making excuses runs out of them sooner or later.

I am not a recreational shopper, only shopping when it is a necessity. When forced to shop, I do mine locally. But this day, I had no choice. I was in the Twin Cities and there was shopping that had to be done. Yes, I went to the big mall, the MegaMall.

Some say it is the biggest mall in the world. I do not know if that is true or not, but I do know that it is much too big for me. I accompanied my wife, The Queen B, to the land of the endless credit card debt. A gigantic building filled with cell phone carrying shoppers and stores of an odd nature, like the one that sells nothing but socks. Such a store would have a very short life in Hartland.

I went with my wife in an attempt to prove to her that I take our wedding vows seriously. I remember well, Reverend Fick asking me if I promised to love, honor and shop with my wife. As shopping husbands go I would be classified as a fixer-upper. I followed my wife around the Mall, whimpering and hoping that some of my bride’s better qualities would rub off on me.

Shopping drives me crazy and this was one of those days when my wife had no brakes. She was on a mission to find the perfect gifts for a couple of weddings that we would be attending while we were in the Twin Cities. My wife had a shopping list. I was working on an escape plan. I watched people meeting friends at the Mall, an activity that far surpasses my understanding. I listened to people discussing boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, movies, TV sitcoms, the Vikings, Jesse Ventura, rap stars and the weather. The weather seemed like something that only existed in another world – a world far, far away from the existence I was experiencing in the MegaMall.

I watched young children throw world-class tantrums in attempts of getting some toy that would be broken, lost or forgotten on their way home. I encountered tour groups from Italy and Japan who traveled much further than anyone should to do a little shopping.

I tried to talk The Queen B into allowing me to visit &uot;Hooters&uot; – just to do a little research. I wanted to see what kind of music they played at that establishment. She gave me the look that women have been giving men since life began or at least shopping began. I went Hooterless.

We visited a number of stores. I refused to make eye contact with any of the store clerks for fear that I might succumb and buy that ant farm (complete with hardworking ants) that I have always wanted.

I wander by collections of something called potpourri. Potpourri is a concept completely lost on husbands. It is my belief that potpourri is a major cause of air pollution. I was coughing up dried flower petals for a week.

We walked by a number of places hawking scalding hot coffee in large over-priced paper containers. There is enough caffeine in this Mall to keep the entire world shopping for a month without any sleep.

I dragged my feet into a store offering an unending selection of perfumed body splashes. The various scents blended together into a potpourri-like odor. I quickly discovered that the MegaMall does not have enough geezer benches for guys like me to sit and lick our wounds while complaining to other geezers about our common predicament. That, of course, is that we are shopping widowers.

The MegaMall has a lot of hip stores that are of no interest whatsoever to an unhip hick from Hartland like myself. There are establishments selling designer clothing for babies. Does a baby really care what he or she is wearing? I guess the Mall is hoping to hook the babies today and then have them dependent upon the Mall once they have disposable income or more likely a credit card.

Who needs money when he has a credit card, right? I suppose someone learns math from a credit card statement.

It would be a rare someone as most of us never learn what we cannot afford.

I have found that there are few places like the MegaMall where a man can go and really feel so sorry for himself. If life seems to be going by much too quickly for your liking, I’d advise you to spend a couple of hours at the MegaMall.

Okay, so I only spent about a half-hour there, but it seemed like an eternity.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.