My cousin Ruth, who lives out in New Jersey (not as horrible a place as many believe) just had a new baby boy.

Tuesday, June 26, 2001

My cousin Ruth, who lives out in New Jersey (not as horrible a place as many believe) just had a new baby boy. This makes three for her and her husband. We also have three. My sister has two kids and other cousins have an assortment of kids of various sizes and ages – most have two, but some have more. My sister has the only teens so far, though one cousin and we are poised on the threshold of experiencing the joys of adolescence from the perspective of parents. Now all those muttered curses from our parents will manifest themselves. You know the ones – may you be blessed with children just like you! It reminds me of the traditional Chinese curse: May you live in interesting times.

Thinking of all of these cousins being parents, whom I still remember throwing into the lake thirty (or more) years ago, causes me to wonder about what sort of job we will do. Our mothers all stayed home with us when we were very young, though most of them also had careers (my mother was a teacher as was one aunt, another of my aunts was a pediatric nurse and yet another a social worker). The point is they stayed with us at the beginning, until the youngest in each family was three or older (most of the time). My mother went back to work full-time when my brother was in preschool, because family finances required it, but she always felt guilty that she was doing the wrong thing. As it turns out, I think they did the right thing, both in staying home while we were young, but then going back into their careers when we were older, when we needed them in different ways, but not all the time. But will we be able to do the same for our kids?

As I’ve read and attended conferences on early childhood, I have learned that the first three years of life are the most important ones of all – especially when it comes to laying down the roadmap to a successful life. In those early years, when kids are mainly with parents and babysitters, the brain constructs the hardwiring that allows us later, as adults, to approach problems with logic, to make sense of what we see and hear in the world around us, and to learn to trust others. It isn’t all that complicated. A lot of this happens as infants look at and listen to what’s going on around them, as they are hugged and caressed, as they learn to bond with those who take care of them every day. Parents are the best candidates for providing this kind of care.

Our society claims to be a child-friendly one, but I don’t think we are as child friendly as we would like to see ourselves. Our society encourages or requires parents to leave their children during this time of early growth and development. If the family receives financial subsidies from the government and the parents don’t have jobs, we call them welfare dependent and make the parents get jobs. If the family is middle class or wealthy, we wonder about those parents who choose to give up extra income in order to stay home with kids. It was a struggle to get a guarantee of just six weeks of parental leave from our society. Children are just not as high a priority as the economy in our country; profits matter before people.

I don’t know whether my cousins, either male or female, are all choosing to stay at home. I hope they are, but the pull of careers and the economy is strong, as is the peer pressure from those around us who question the wisdom of raising children instead of creating more wealth for ourselves. I stayed home for the early years of our children’s lives, though it was not easy – either financially or socially. But I’m glad I did, because I think I see the benefits for them already. I worry, though, about the children whose parents don’t think they have that choice. I worry about kids stuck in overcrowded and understaffed daycare centers, where babies are fed and diapered but don’t get the one-on-one stimulation from adults that they need. What about those kids?

David Behling is a rural Albert Lea resident. His column appears Tuesdays.