&uot;I have been told that Hartland, Minnesota is prone to earthquakes.

Wednesday, October 31, 2001

&uot;I have been told that Hartland, Minnesota is prone to earthquakes. Is this true?&uot; Not since Two-ton Tommy Thompson gave up jogging. Seriously, Hartland sits very close to a world famous fault line-it’s &uot;Nobody’s Fault.&uot; People who build homes near this fault are told that it is their own fault.

&uot;Do you like chili?&uot; I think it is souper.

&uot;Aren’t they taking a lot out of our paychecks these days?&uot; They sure are. My paycheck has so many deductions in it that if I cash it, I lose money.

&uot;Where does the car pool in Hartland meet?&uot; At work.

&uot;What are hot dogs made out of?&uot; Lips, eyelids, salt, hearts, fat, tongues, snouts, cheeks, carcasses, livers, ears, blood, jowls, bone, intestines, tails, hearts, nostrils, gums, kidneys and of course, preservatives to keep it all fresh.

&uot;Is the weather getting worse?&uot; No, but our memories are.

&uot;How are things at the Bath Cafe?&uot; Not so good. The cook has become flippant when it comes to making pancakes and things have gone from batter to waffle.

&uot;What is your definition of an optimist?&uot; A farmer with a mortgage.

&uot;Did you have to learn how to do outlines when you were in school?&uot; Yes. I went to a rough school, so we learned how to draw chalk outlines around bodies.

&uot;What is the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?&uot; You can tune a lawn mower.

&uot;Why does your wife like to watch football?&uot; She likes to watch the referees throw their penalty flags. She enjoys seeing men actually picking up after themselves.

&uot;There is something frightening at the end of my arm. What is it?&uot; That would be a terror wrist.

&uot;I gave my pet snake a beer, but he just ignores it. What’s up?&uot; Snakes cannot hold their liquor.

&uot;My uncle makes miniature watches. What do you think of that?&uot; I think he’s a small-time operator.

&uot;Do you have a dog pound in Hartland?&uot; Sure, it’s the used cur lot.

&uot;Do you believe in astrology?&uot; No, anyone who tells you that he is a Taurus is just feeding you a line of bull.

&uot;My boss is always counting noses. What is he up to?&uot; He is using his olfactory census.

&uot;What is the motto of the city of Hartland?&uot; It is not what is on the sign and that many believe to be the motto. I mean, &uot;Speed Limit 30&uot; isn’t much of a motto. The actual motto is, &uot;Hey, it could be worse.&uot;

&uot;Is it true that Hartland has no lawyer?&uot; It is true. We don’t need one. We don’t have any fast food restaurants where a person can buy a cup of scalding hot coffee to spill on himself.

&uot;I accidentally slammed a door on the tail of a white dog covered with black spots. What is going to happen to me?&uot; You may be doomed to eternal Dalmatian.

&uot;Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?&uot; To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

&uot;Are bananas healthy?&uot; I’ve never heard one complain.

&uot;What can I use to fix a tuba?&uot; Try a tuba glue.

&uot;Where was the toothbrush invented?&uot; Oklahoma. If it had been invented anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush.

&uot;What is the difference between a newspaper and a TV?&uot; Have you ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?

&uot;What is the difference between a church bell and a telemarketer?&uot; The church bell peals from the steeple.

&uot;What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?&uot; Squash.

&uot;What do husbands consider housecleaning?&uot; Lifting our feet so wives can vacuum under them.

&uot;I visited Hartland one day and saw an elephant with no teeth.&uot; That would be Gumbo.

&uot;What do men and women have in common?&uot; They both distrust men.

&uot;Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?&uot; Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

&uot;What’s the difference between a gerbil and a cow?&uot; Cows survive the branding.

&uot;What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?&uot; Outlaws are wanted.

&uot;What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?&uot; Pumpkin Pi.

&uot;Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?&uot; At least then they would get a little attention every three months or 3,000 miles – whichever came first.

&uot;Why doesn’t anyone ever report seeing baby ghosts?&uot; They are all in dayscare centers.

&uot;I heard that men from Hartland used to hunt bear with clubs. Do they still do that?&uot; No, the membership fees got too high.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.