The latest installment of &uot;Ask Al&uot;:&t;!—-&t;.

Wednesday, January 09, 2002

The latest installment of &uot;Ask Al&uot;:

&uot;I plan on doing some maple syruping. Do you have any tips?&uot; Only one. I have learned that if you tap telephone poles for more than a couple of years they stop growing.

&uot;I dream that I am flying on a broom. What is that all about?&uot; That is just witchful thinking.

&uot;I’m going to a masquerade party. Any hints?&uot; Disguise the limit.

&uot;Where is the music store in Hartland?&uot; It is in the CD part of town.

&uot;What is the big attraction to auctions?&uot; I think it is much ado about nodding.

&uot;Do you have any tips that might help me fill out my tax returns?&uot; Sure. It is better to give than to deceive.

&uot;Do you really own a dancing chicken?&uot; Yes, it is poultry in motion.

&uot;Your wife tells me that you wake up in irritatingly good moods. How can I become a morning person?&uot; Eat a live toad the first thing every morning. Once you have that out of the way, you cannot help but be in a good mood.

&uot;My tang is all tungled. What can I do?&uot; Try saying, &uot;a skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk&uot; ten times quickly.

&uot;Why did you give up on your ballet lessons?&uot; They were too too difficult.

&uot;I am a shepherd, but I don’t make enough money to pay my bills. What can I do?&uot; The best thing you can do is to not lose any sheep over your problems.

&uot;Is there any advantage to getting older?&uot; You bet. Your friends can come to your birthday party and warm themselves around the cake.

&uot;If the price of cigarettes went to $20 a pack, would more people quit smoking?&uot; Maybe, but the diehards would still find a way to cough up the money.

&uot;How do I calculate the windchill factor?&uot; It is really quite simple. First, take the current temperature and add to it the temperature of last year on the same date. To that total, add the speed of the wind and then multiply it by your shoe size. Subtract the last digit of your social security number and then divide by the date of your birth.

&uot;April showers bring May flowers. How does the rest of this saying go?&uot; And so will the good folks at the Hartland Greenhouse.

&uot;How do you like to spend a quiet day?&uot; Listening to the upstairs toilet stop running.

&uot;What is an igloo?&uot; It is a sticky substance that is used to glue igs together.

&uot;How come you don’t like oyster stew?&uot; Because the first time I ever ate it, I pulled a mussel.

&uot;What worries you most about the future?&uot; That in 10 years there will be radio stations playing classic rap.

&uot;What is the most common disease transmitted by mothers?&uot; Guilt.

&uot;What happens when a car gets too old and banged up to run?&uot; Someone sells it to me.

&uot;Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?&uot; They have big fingers.

&uot;I believe children should be polite and courteous, don’t you?&uot; I do, unless they ever want to drive on one of our interstate highways.

&uot;I’ve always heard that money cannot buy everything. What can’t it buy?&uot; Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won’t buy the wag of its tail.

&uot;When I was in school, the rooms were always kept incredibly warm. Why?&uot; Because a sleeping student is a well-behaved student.

&uot;What kind of a bird makes the sound, ‘hobble-hobble’?&uot; A one-legged turkey.

&uot;I clean septic tanks for a living. Could you give me any advice on how to improve my business?&uot; Well, normally, I tell people to totally submerge themselves in their work, but…&uot;

&uot;How did you ever get your wife to marry you?&uot; I borrowed $20 from her. She married me because she knew it was the only way she’d ever be able to collect.

&uot;I hate to get out of bed in the morning. Is there a support group for this problem?&uot; Yes, it’s called &uot;Everybody&uot; and it meets at work.

&uot;The birds keep slamming into my living room window. What can I do to stop this?&uot; Try moving the bird feeder outdoors.

&uot;What exactly causes a green thumb?&uot; This condition is common to gardeners. The skin of the thumb develops a greenish cast as the result of handling large amounts of currency at garden centers.

&uot;Why are elephants big, wrinkled, gray and hairy?&uot; Because if they were small, smooth, white and hairless, they would be aspirin.

&uot;What would happen if pigs could fly?&uot; Bacon would go up.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.