All my life, Tyrannosaurus Rex (we who knew him call him T-Rex) has been the baddest of dudes.

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

All my life, Tyrannosaurus Rex (we who knew him call him T-Rex) has been the baddest of dudes. Nobody messed with T-Rex. He ran with a bad crowd. My mother thought he was the way he was because he wasn’t getting enough bran in his diet. There wasn’t anything that he wouldn’t kill and eat.

Now science is finding that perhaps only the latter part of that last statement is true. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t eat.

Many folks who study such things&160;-&160;I think they are called dinosaur nerds -&160;believe that T-Rex was not -&160;this is where we gasp in amazement -&160;a cold-blooded killer. These guys are saying that far from being the ferocious killer/predator that we all believed him to be, that T-Rex was a scavenger. Yes, the so-called King of Dinosaurs had a craving for carrion.

This belief was not determined by a public relations firm like most things in our life are. Oh, no, this conclusion was arrived at by research. It makes sense. T-Rex had what us scientific types refer to as wimpy arms. Let’s face it, his biceps were no match for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s. Or even Maria Shriver’s for that matter. This characteristic does not match up with the noted land predators that we are familiar with. Lions and tigers and bears, oh, my – they have the strong front legs and paws.

What T-Rex had was big muscular legs. He looked like he had been doing a lot of squats at the health club. A predator needs to get up and get after prey. Let’s face it, a fellow as big as T-Rex wasn’t going to sneak up on that many things – especially with those big feet. I can picture it now. Please picture it with me. I think it will help you to picture this if you try not to think about synchronized swimming. Okay, picture with me.

There the prey was&160;-&160;some dorky little salad-eating dinosaur that had gathered with others of his ilk at a local watering hole. It came there for a couple of reasons: to enjoy a fine beverage and to catch up on the local gossip. There had been a lot of rumors going around about extinction and your thinking dinosaur was more than a bit worried. Well, there these dinosaurs were, engrossed in drinking and gossiping when T-Rex spotted them. The big guy, I’ll affectionately call T-Rex, decided to sneak up on his meal. &uot;Fwap, fwap, fwap!&uot; His big feet gave him away. The other dinosaurs, affectionately known as food, heard the sounds of T-Rex’s Bozo-like tootsies. The proposed prey took off like fast food.

I know what you are thinking. This is no problem for T-Rex. He’s not only a nasty creature; he’s a fast runner. T-Rex ran after his lunch. &uot;Fwap, fwap, fwap!&uot; Meanwhile, the prey was throwing a Road Runner routine at its attacker. &uot;Beep, beep!&uot; Whoosh and it was gone. T-Rex gave chase, but he was like a Yugo racecar in the Indianapolis 500. He not only finished last in the race, they clocked him with a calendar. Oh, T-Rex had the muscular legs, but so do a lot of large weightlifters. Most weightlifting bodybuilders are not known for their speed afoot. Sprinters generally have long calves and short thighs. Think of an ostrich. The big bird would most likely have left T-Rex in the dust. So T-Rex was not much of a runner. He was a walker. It is believed that he walked like a bird -&160;a sandpiper. He would trudge along with his head down, his tail straight out in back. His body would be parallel to the ground.

T-Rex also had poor vision. He might have been a prime candidate for Lasik surgery. His poor vision would have made it difficult for poor old T-Rex to locate prey. Scientists believe that T-Rex had a great sense of smell. His sense of smell fell just short of the olfactory ability of the turkey vulture. Turkey vultures eat carrion. Carrion is not just luggage, oyster stew, lutefisk, beets or mere dead stuff. It is dead stuff that has gone well beyond its &uot;best used by&uot; date. Such findings would indicate that T-Rex used his sniffer to find prey that had already tipped over. Yes, when T-Rex was dying for some food, something had to be dying to become food.

I am afraid Tyrannosaurus Rex does not live up to its postmortem hype. It is a great shock to many of us. The next thing we know, some busybody will discover that Bonnie taught Sunday School and Clyde crocheted doilies.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.