&t;I&gt&uot;Today’s music ain’t got the same soul.

Tuesday, February 26, 2002

“Today’s music ain’t got the same soul. I like that old time rock and roll.” – Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band, “Old Time Rock and Roll”

On Wednesday, the 44th Grammy Awards will be presented on CBS. I admit, I am not familiar with very many of this year’s nominees, but if the quality of most of today’s music is any indication of who’s on the list, ignorance is bliss. I can’t even stand to listen to the radio most of the time. The only thing I find more irritating than today’s music is the less-than-witty banter of the radio announcers playing it.

For some time now, the film industry has held a “Bizarro” version of the Academy Awards. The Golden Raspberry Awards, or “Razzies,” are awarded to the films festering at the bottom of the movie barrel. For example, this year’s nominees for Worst Picture are, “Freddy Got Fingered,” “Driven,” “Glitter,” “Pearl Harbor,” and “3000 Miles to Graceland.”

Perhaps it’s time to install a similar ceremony for the music industry. With that thought in mind, I propose the Earache Awards, or “Earries,” for short. The trophy would be one of those “hear no evil” monkeys, sculpted in gold. The categories would be similar to those used in the Grammy awards, except emphasizing the worst instead of the best. The Earries, though, would also have their own highly appropriate categories, such as:

– The “Artist You Most Want to Slap” Award. Awards for the obnoxious and annoying. Eminem, Kid Rock, Axl Rose and The Artist Once Again Known As Prince come to mind here.

– The “Least Inspired Remake” Award. Despite plenty of competition, Sean “Puffy” Combs, or Puff Daddy, or P. Diddy, or Pawn Spiffy, or Starr Doggy or whatever he’s calling himself these days, would most likely be a regular winner in this category. I’m expecting any day for him to remake one of his own songs and consider it some of his best work yet. Incidentally, the golden monkey for this award would be made of artificial gold, given the category.

– The “Probably Made a Deal with the Devil” Award. Finally, an explanation for the recording contracts of puppet-on-a-string musical groups like N’Sync and the Backstreet Boys.

– The “Most Shameless Sellout” Award. This would go to the artist who made the most money selling songs for use in commercials. Michael Jackson made a fortune selling songs from the Beatles’ catalog. The fact that Wacko Jacko even acquired the rights to Beatles’ songs is a sacrilege. However, these days Moby would give Jacko a run for the money in this category. At least Moby only sells out his own material, though.

– The “Stick to Your Real Job” Award. Professional basketball player Shaquille O’Neal recorded several rap albums. Actor Keanu Reeves plays bass for the band Dogstar. I pray we never have to endure Carrot Top singing country music. Gilbert Gottfried singing it, on the other hand, would be hilarious.

– The “Hang Up Your Microphone Already” Award. This one is aimed at artists who are long past their prime. This means you, Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler.

– The “You Should Have Stayed in Retirement” Award. Kylie Minogue, who remade “The Locomotion” in the late 1980s, has a new release in record stores right now. Time will tell if she can expect any competition for this award from Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.

– The “You Have Become a Parody of Your Former Self” Award. An award for artists who, due to success, eventually become the opposite of what they originally stood for when they started out. Metallica should have won this award shortly after releasing the “black album.”

The best part about the Earries would be the humiliation factor involved in even being nominated, let alone winning. Those winning three or more awards during their musical career would automatically be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Shame – and permanently prohibited from further tainting the airwaves. With those kinds of stakes, maybe some winners would retire, and we would finally be able to make room for some decent music once again.

Dustin Petersen is an Albert Lea resident. His column appears Tuesdays.