Column: Some get the goldmine, while others get the shaft
Published 12:00 am Friday, March 15, 2002
This column is inspired by both an old country music song title and some rather ridiculous current events which seem to be the red hot news topic of the season.
Friday, March 15, 2002
This column is inspired by both an old country music song title and some rather ridiculous current events which seem to be the red hot news topic of the season.
First, let’s explain the song title. It’s actually supposed to be &uot;She Got the Goldmine (I Got the Shaft).&uot; This ballad based on an unhappy domestic and/or romantic situation was recorded by county-western performer Jerry Reed many years ago. It’s now available by mail order as part of a collection of 32 nutty novelties in either CD or cassette versions with the label of &uot;Chicken Fried Country.&uot;
Other oddball songs in this collection include the Little Jimmy Dickens version of &uot;May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose,&uot; and Loretta Lynn singing to Conway Twitty that &uot;You’re the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly.&uot;
Maybe this same collection of songs has the one with the taste teaser question of &uot;Does the Spearmint Lose It’s Flavor on the Bedpost Overnight?&uot; Another really confusing genealogical gem is based on the song &uot;I’m My own Grandpa.&uot; Anyway, I’m not about to send away for this overpriced CD or cassette to find the answer.
Right about here let’s switch the subject to the current events situation. It’s based on the big firm down in Houston, Texas, which had a cockeyed or tipsy E as its emblem. Then again, maybe that emblem is more honestly a crooked E. Anyway, the name of this utility firm is featured in the excellent editorial cartoon on page 4A of the Feb. 17, 2002, issue of the Tribune. And here’s a perfect example of how a few folks got the goldmine and all too many other nice folks got the shaft.
To help explain the odd testimony given by some of the goldminers to the congressional committees, some have suggested a comparison to Sergeant Schultz. This particular sergeant was a mythical German prisoner of war camp (or stalag) guard who was featured in the &uot;Hogan’s Heroes&uot; television series. He always insisted he knew nothing about the televised shenanigans of the American and British POW’s.
I have another way to explain the antics of some of the golden winners from this particular utility firm. It’s based on the little statue of the three monkeys. One saw nothing. Another heard nothing. And the third monkey, like Sergeant Schultz, either knew nothing or said nothing.
This topic of goldmines and shafts reminds me of a true incident which took place out in Oregon about a century ago.
Baker County, in the northeastern part of the state, was then having its second or third gold rush. This county, by the way, is still Oregon’s major center of gold production.
Several sharp characters who should have stayed in the saloon playing cards decided to organize a mining company. They hired a few men to dig a short tunnel into a nearby hillside. Then, with some false promotion, they sold shares in this new mine to a syndicate of investors from the East.
Now these fellows from the East were mighty shrewd. They decided to send a representative or two out to Baker City, Ore., to inspect their investment in this mine.
What happened just before these Easterners arrived is known as &uot;salting a mine.&uot;
There just wasn’t any gold at the end of this tunnel. To solve this problem, the Oregon sharpies took some shotgun shells and replaced the buckshot with gold dust and small nuggets. Next, they stood in the front of the tunnel’s end and shot the gold into the rocks and dirt.
The Easterners were given the impression this mine was on the verge of becoming a bonanza of riches. They thought the Oregonians were stupid for not seeing the traces of gold. They became greedy and recommended to the Eastern folks to purchase the rest of the mining company.
Those Easterners left Baker County thinking they had outsmarted the stupid Oregonians. Those Oregonians soon moved to another gold rush town.
Before long, and after digging into the hillside a few more feet, those shrewd investors found out they had no goldmine and were really shafted with a worthless investment.
Feature writer Ed Shannon’s column appears Fridays in the Tribune.