&t;I&gt&uot;I think when you eat out you should have a little fun; it’s good for digestion.

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

“I think when you eat out you should have a little fun; it’s good for digestion. Simple things. After the waiter recites a long list of specials, ask him if they serve cow feet.” – George Carlin in “Brain Droppings,” 1997

Restaurants can be amusing places. I once had breakfast in a unique restaurant in Menasha, Wis. My wife’s sister and her husband live in that area, and my wife, her mother and I were out visiting them. The attraction of this particular restaurant is that they serve abnormally large pancakes (among other immense food items). We ordered one, which our server placed on a large plate in the center of the table. We cut pieces off the pancake and ate it that way, kind of the way you would with a ham or a roast. To put its size into proper perspective, between the five of us, we couldn’t finish one pancake, and that was the smallest of the four sizes they offered. The largest must have been approximately the size of a queen-sized mattress. Incidentally, the service in this restaurant was as unusual as the menu. When our server took our order, instead of writing it down she actually shouted it (rather loudly) to the people in the kitchen – from our table.

I also find it thought-provoking when things change at restaurants with no explanation. For example, a few weeks ago, I was eating breakfast at McDonald’s when I noticed that the community of McDonaldland seems to gradually be losing some of its citizens. What ever happened to that cop, Officer Big Mac? That pirate, Captain Crook, hasn’t made an appearance in quite a while either. I wonder if there’s some kind of connection. The only people who live there anymore are a clown, a masked kleptomaniac who only steals hamburgers, an anthropomorphic bird and whatever that purple guy, Grimace, is supposed to be. It doesn’t seem likely that we’ll get some straight answers anytime soon. Mayor McCheese has also been conveniently unavailable for comment. Godfather’s Pizza, too, raises a few questions. Have you noticed that for the past few years they have had a relatively new, younger godfather? What ever happened to the other one? Wherever he is, they’re keeping quiet about it. My guess is that he was probably rubbed out in some kind of territorial dispute with Rocky Rococo.

I’ve always thought it would be funny to see a restaurant that serves only soup. It would be called, appropriately enough, Just Soup. They would be very adamant about enforcing the “just soup” policy, too. They wouldn’t serve any sandwiches, crackers or even beverages of any kind, just soup. But, customers would get to choose from many different kinds of soups, in two sizes: cup or bowl.

One day it occurred to me that I had never seen a restaurant that offered all-the-hamburgers-you-can-eat. That gave me yet another idea for a restaurant – The Backyard Grill. The outdoor restaurant would be surrounded by a white picket fence with a swinging gate. All meals would be served on paper plates (the sturdy kind) with plastic forks and spoons. The seats would be picnic tables, lawn chairs and porch swings. The all-you-can-eat menu would include burgers, bratwurst, steak and anything else you can throw on a grill, plus all the usual side orders, such as potato salad and baked beans. Beverages would be beer or pop retrieved from a cooler full of ice, or grape flavored Kool-Aid in a Styrofoam cup. While waiting for their food, customers could join in a game of Frisbee or horseshoes, or cool off in an inflatable swimming pool. As expected, dogs would be welcome at The Backyard Grill, so customers would probably want to wear shoes (or at least sandals) and watch where they stepped. Hours of business would be approximately noon-9 p.m. on weekends and holidays, Memorial Day through Labor Day, and reservations would be encouraged for birthdays and family reunions.

Most people think of restaurants only as places to eat, or maybe to gather with friends, but I find them to be sources of entertainment as well.

Dustin Petersen is an Albert Lea resident. His column appears Tuesdays.