Column: Action figures gave us a collectible with bendy knees

Published 12:00 am Tuesday, May 7, 2002

“Collectible: An addictive substance that demands a staggering portion of our discretionary income, so that we might die with a complete set of vintage Pez dispensers and $180 in the bank.” &045; Rick Bayan, “The Cynic’s Dictionary,” &045;Rick Bayan, “The Cynic’s Dictionary,” 1994

Last Tuesday in my column I suggested some ideas for characters for the upcoming Star Wars prequel. This week I will address something closely related &045; collectible action figures.

The next time you go to Wal-Mart, Target or any other similar retailer, visit the toy department, especially the action figure aisle. There is a ludicrous amount of action figures available.

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I think action figures actually started out as dolls. Girls had Barbie to play with, so someone developed GI Joe for boys. Joe wore military camouflage and would do a karate chop if you pressed a button on his back. He could navigate a submarine or pilot a helicopter. Though not actually an action figure because of his height, he was the prototype for what would become action figures.

The first true action figures for most of us were probably the Fisher-Price Little People. Remember them? I think there were only five of them initially. Mom had a beehive hairdo, and for some reason, closed eyes. Dad was pensive-looking and nearly bald. Junior perpetually scowled and wore his cap sideways &045; trouble waiting to happen. Sis had pigtails and smiled a lot. Their dog, like Mom, smiled through closed eyes. They all had identically shaped bodies &045; round heads on a cylinder. No arms or legs, though. Rudimentary, but a start.

The next wave of action figures seemed to come with the release of the original Star Wars movie. Those of us who were kids then went nuts over the miniature movie characters. They had it all &045; moving body parts, blasters, removable cloaks and lightsabers! All kinds of little pieces to lose to the vacuum cleaner or drop down the register. The most awesome thing about them, though, was the variety &045; Kenner eventually made more than 100 action figures for the first trilogy, some of them not even available in stores. I remember saving the proofs-of-purchase to send away for several mail-order exclusive action figures. Despite how cool these were, they too had their drawbacks &045; their arms and legs lacked elbows and knees, so although movable, they were unbendable, restricting them to tin soldier-like movements.

About that time, GI Joe was resurrected from obscurity, at one-third his original height, with elbows and knees. Because of the patriotic, military theme, the “good guys” stood for truth, justice and the American way &045; kind of like Superman. The “bad guys” were phenomenally evil, on par with comic book villains like Lex Luthor. Only in the comic book and action figure worlds would a villain have dreams of conquering the world. Despite the over-the-top conflict between the epitomes of good and evil, GI Joe did inject some &045; uh, realism, I suppose &045;

into their product. They made at least two actual people into action figures &045; professional football player William “The Refrigerator” Perry and professional wrestler Sgt. Slaughter.

Sculpting action figures of athletes didn’t end there. Starting Lineup produces action figures of professional sportsmen of the past and present. One exception to the “professional sportsmen” rule is Randy Moss, who is neither very professional nor sportsmanlike. His figure should come complete with tantrums and a swelled ego. They do feature quite a variety, though, and it doesn’t end with athletes. My wife’s brother-in-law, a die-hard Green Bay Packers fan, actually has a Vince Lombardi figure from that product line. A sports figure as deserving as any to be immortalized in plastic.

If we are going to sculpt our heroes, though, they may as well be heroes truly worthy of admiration. How about sculpting honorable leaders such as Ronald Reagan, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Martin Luther King Jr., Gen. Douglas MacArthur, Colin Powell and George W. Bush? You want some bad guys to go with that? How about some of the most vile, despised people of all time? Osama bin Laden, Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Pol Pot, Muammar al-Qaddafi and Ayatollah Khomeni come to mind. True heroes and true villains. Every action figure product line needs that one impossible-to-find action figure, though. This one’s could be Dick Cheney.

Dustin Petersen is an Albert Lea resident. His column appears Tuesdays.