My wife, The Queen B, had been busy getting ready for Christmas.

She had been putting so much time and effort into the preparations that she had been missing sleep.

She had red and green bags under her eyes.

She had begun mumbling something about serving reindeer sausage. She groused about the way the Christmas tree had been looking at her.

She had developed a severe case of tinsel rash. I needed to bolster her Christmas spirit.

My call to action followed the ancient adage that says, “When Momma ain’t happy, there ain’t nobody happy.” I had decided that I would get her a special gift as a reward for all of her efforts. I had saved all of the change that I had tossed on top of my dresser each day throughout the year.

It was my Christmas fund. I filled my pockets with the coins and removed the shopping patch that I wear that works like a nicotine patch only instead of keeping me from smoking, it keeps me from shopping. I headed to my favorite store.

It is the place where I make most of that kind of distinctive purchase.

It is a place where my shopping skills are legendary.

Weighed down by the piles of change, I shuffled my way into the emporium at a speed that would make a snail feel like an Indy car.

“Well, if it isn’t Hartland’s big spender,” said the clerk.

They know me there.

“Give me a bottle of Chanel No. 5,” I said.

“Perfume?” the clerk said, acting surprised.

“No 144-piece screwdriver set for the Missus this year?

No CD featuring Rudolph the Nasally Empowered Reindeer?

No ‘Cooking for Dummies Who Are Cooking for Idiots’ book?

No flea collars for all of the chia pets you have given her in the past? Not even the pet novelty antlers for a goldfish that you got her last year?”

“Just the perfume and make it snappy,” I grumbled.

A crowd had gathered.

I had begun to feel like a caterpillar at a butterfly convention.

“Your wife will be surprised,” stated the clerk.

&uot;She sure will be,” I agreed. “She is expecting a Caribbean cruise.”

I hope happiness was the gift that each of you received this year.

Christmas for birds

It is a good feeling to open a bird and breakfast.

A strategically placed bird feeder can brighten your days. The visitors are entertaining and the experience rewarding.

Do not expect monetary compensation from your customers.

Your rewards will be of that wonderful kind that money cannot buy.

An admiration of birds will allow you to find a simple pleasure in their presence. The appreciation of birds and all the other things nature provides us will make your life better.

Here are some things we can do this time of year to make life a little better for the birds and for us.

When you take down your Christmas tree, do not be in a great rush to discard it.

Put it outside near one of your bird feeders.

The birds will use it for protection from the weather while staying close to a food source. String raisins, apple slices, orange slices, cranberries and unsalted peanuts in the shell along with the popcorn on a garland.

Hang this in a tree to give our feathered friends a holiday treat.

Pack a pinecone with peanut butter and hang it out for the birds.

Squirrels will love it, too.

Here is a thing that is fun for al ages that you can make to feed the birds. In a large mixing bowl, combine 2 cups of shortening, 2 cups of flour, 2 cups of oatmeal, 2 cups of mixed birdseed, 2 cups of peanut butter and 4 cups of cornmeal.

You can use the generic brands, as the birds will not complain. Knead the mixture with your hands.

Like so many things that are fun to do, this process can be messy.

Thread an 18-inch string through the bottom of a small paper cup.

Knot the bottom of the string that remains inside the cup.

Pack some of the mix into the cup.

Freeze until solid.

When ready to use, rip away the cup and hang the treat outside.

Make sure it is in front of a window so you can enjoy watching the birds enjoy their treat.

Etcetera

My thanks to Nadine Spellman, Carl Grandstrand, Kathy Jordahl, Dona and Carlyle Matheson, John McGaughey and Ken Leland for being wonderful reporters of the happenings in Nature’s World.

Each year, a jolly, diet-challenged man with a white beard and an affinity for red clothing makes a list.

On that list he puts all the names of boys and girls who have been either naughty or nice.

His selections can be a bit arbitrary, as there is no trial by jury involved.

I know, as I have demanded a trial by my peers several times after receiving a lump of coal.

I digress. Each year, I am left off those lists.

I make a little known third list kept by old St. Nick.

I make the dork list.

This list is for people that Santa has difficulty in classifying.

Who ends up on this list?

That is a very good question and one that I will attempt to answer.

It is for people who love to hear Eartha Kitt sing, “Santa Baby.”

It is for people who become gluttons around almond bark. It is for folks who wince when they see Christmas displays in stores at Halloween. It is for those who spend more time talking than ringing the bell while volunteering for the Salvation Army.

It is for the kind of man who insists on giving each toy a real test before passing it on to young loved ones. The kind of man who gives it a test that Consumer Reports would be proud of.

It is for the guy who throws a little horse manure onto the roof of his house so his young son would think Santa’s reindeer had been there.

It is for the person who drank Santa’s milk and ate his cookies. It is for those who believe that no act of kindness is ever wasted.

It is for those who never let a kind word go unsaid. It is for those among us who wish Christmas would last all year.

It is…well, you get the idea.

People on this list mean well, but you all know about the best laid plans of mice and men.

Whether I am naughty, nice or a dork, I do appreciate the gift of you, dear reader.

Your good company is most appreciated. I could not be more blessed.

“We need to learn to set our course by the stars, not by the lights of every passing ship.” &045; Omar Nelson Bradley

“It is neither wealth nor splendor, but tranquility and occupation, which give happiness.” &045; Thomas Jefferson

DO GOOD.

Allen Batt of Hartland is a member of the Albert Lea Audubon Society. His e-mail address is SnoEowl@aol.com.