I started my morning off by avoiding a Pop Tart while thinking of the wise words of Linda Ellerbee, a noted television journalist. She once wrote an article about the five finest things she knew. 1. Do what you believe is right. 2. In this world, a good time to laugh is any time you can. 3. Always set a place in life for the unexpected guest. 4. If you don’t want to get old, don’t mellow. 5. The best things in life really aren’t things. I thought I would start the new year with these thoughts, but it wasn’t to be.

My doorbell rang. In came a visitor serenaded by sitar music. The renowned mystic from the Far East (the eastern part of Freeborn County), the fabled soothsayer, the Swami From Just Outside Bath, Minnesota stops by to give me his predictions for 2003. He knows little, sees even less, but suspects a lot. Here is what the Swami says will happen next year.

Starbucks will admit that the secret of the success of its $4 cup of coffee is the $4.

The Freeborn County Softball Hall of Fame will induct Pete Rose as a member.

The winter will be so nice that Ted Williams will thaw.

Some genius will write a book claiming that diet and exercise are the keys to weight loss.

Texas will execute its last remaining citizen.

Karaoke will continue to bring together people who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.

The Supreme Court will rule that justice is unconstitutional.

Dockers will offer &uot;Smarty Pants&uot; for graduate students.

Computers will become so small that every one of them will be misplaced.

The face of Regis Philbin will be added to Mount Rushmore just to confuse people.

North Dakota and South Dakota will merge to form a single state called Big Dakota.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will be downsized to Snow White and the Five Dwarfs.

Bigfoot will be spotted in a shoe store in Alden.

Hartland will get a professional sports franchise. The American Tiddlywinks Association will hope to have a team in Conger by the beginning of next season.

Doctor Kevorkian’s wife will catch a cold, but will keep the news from her husband.

The Social Security Administration will begin to issue coupons good at fast-food restaurants in lieu of checks.

Property-tax bills will offer a swimsuit edition.

Starbucks will close all of its franchises. Spokesman for the company will say, &uot;People shouldn’t be spending that much money for coffee.&uot;

Synchronized swimming will be downgraded from an Olympic sport to a sleep aid.

Washington, D.C. will be renamed Reagan, D.C.

The New England Journal of Medicine will run an article declaring that yelling through a screen door will strain a person’s voice.

No one will be allowed to smoke unless they have health insurance.

Albert Lea’s City Council will be blamed for not landing the Twins’ stadium, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Mall of America and the Washington Monument.

Many of those protesting the addition to the Freeborn County Courthouse will be arrested. This will lead to the need to build an even bigger jail.

A faith healer will be ruined when it is discovered that he has a dandruff problem.

Norway will issue an apology for the performance of the Minnesota Vikings.

Research will be found to be the major cause of cancer in lab rats.

The world’s smartest dog will be found living in Hartland. Or at least that is what the canine will tell its owner.

A researcher will be given a $250,000 government grant to see if he could get a $250,000 government grant.

A large retailer will open a super-duper store that will make all super stores obsolete. The super-duper store will offer everything. A person will be able to live a lifetime without ever leaving the super-duper store.

It will be proved that if there ought to be a law, there already is one.

Evidence will be found that the Dixie Chicks killed Elvis.

Remember that the Swami has been wrong before.

It is always a question whether to make New Year’s resolutions or not. My neighbor Crandall and his family have made resolutions to lose enough weight to make the entire Minnesota Vikings’ team disappear. I have made three New Year’s resolutions. I will try to be more forgiving of mirrors. I will try to never let a kind word go unsaid. And I will realize that no kind deed is ever wasted. Happy New Year.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.