Advertisers try their hardest to give us the message that their product or service is worthy of our support. But it seems like many advertisements send a message that doesn’t do much to sell the benefits we’ll supposedly receive.

In an attempt to be cute, funny or (worst of all) full of &uot;attitude,&uot; these commercials make me wonder if this is really what the sponsor wants me to think of their product. Or, they seem to reach a conclusion that is not supported by the content of their ad.

An example: In a Subway ad that’s been running constantly lately, a man sucking on a beverage from a Subway cup is asked, in an elevator full of people we assume are co-workers, how his lunch was. He replies with a deep, operatic shout: &uot;Magnifico!!!&uot; His fellow elevator occupants look at him like he’s crazy, and later openly laugh at him.

I suppose Subway wants us to think their food is so good that it’ll have you singing with joy. What I take from this commercial, however, is that if I eat at Subway, I’ll feel compelled to holler strange exclamations to coworkers, making me the laughingstock of my workplace. Now why would that make me want to run out and buy a sub?

I’m going to go through a few other examples I’ve noticed on TV. I’m guessing my interpretation is not what the architects of the advertising intended. See if you can guess what commercials and what products or peddlars I’m talking about.

– &uot;You had better not think of going near a pay phone with a coin in your hand, or you run the risk of being accosted by a marginal celebrity with nothing better to do than hang around near public phones.&uot;

– &uot;Our root beer will cause you to behave erratically, engaging in shenanigans like shutting off electricity for large portions of your hometown.&uot; (This is an older ad, but that message has stuck with me).

– &uot;Our new burger makes disgusting sounds when you eat it, and parts of it will drip all over the place &045; including on your pants. When this happens, you’ll have to use a french fry to remove the goo from your knickers. So, all our customers must be slobs because they enjoy having food fall all about them and stain their clothes.&uot;

Similarly:

– &uot;Our breakfast pastry is so difficult to eat that you’re sure to drip it on your slacks at work, at which point you’ll feel compelled to remove the pants and lick them maniacally. You will then be caught by a female coworker and the ensuing sexual-harrasment suit will leave you jobless and living in the street.&uot;

Incidentally, why do so many companies think it’s appealing that their product will inevitably stain our clean, white pants?

Here’s more:

– &uot;Even very fat men are required to eat our extra-large frozen dinners, or they won’t be fat enough and they are at risk of serious bodily harm due to even the slightest breeze, which will blow them around like a paper doll. Any attempt to lose weight by eating less puts you in mortal danger.&uot;

– &uot;It’s smart to buy ‘slightly-used’ exercise equipment. On the other hand, it’s smart to buy new exercise equipment. So, we really have no specific instructions for you about which choice is better.&uot;

– &uot;If you buy Pop Tarts instead of our superior brand of toaster pastries, your children will put themselves and their schoolmates at great risk by stashing hundreds of the inferior pastries in their lockers, and they’ll fall out in an avalanche of stale crust and gooey fruit filling when the locker is opened.&uot;

There are so many things wrong with this commercial. Why would the kid save the Pop Tarts instead of just throwing them away? Why would they only fall out that particular day, when they’ve obviously been piling up for months on end? Doesn’t it start to smell when the Pop Tarts begin rotting? Where does the kid keep his books? Will the child get in trouble for creating such a mess on school property? The kid seems amused by the whole thing; doesn’t he have any respect for his school? This boy has got much bigger problems than what kind of pastry his mom’s feeding him.

– &uot;A moron with a fake Scottish accent thinks you should buy golf supplies at our store.&uot;

And, my favorite:

– &uot;If you should happen to leave a 59-cent soft drink outside the store where you purchased it, by all means, destroy thousands of dollars worth of property in your quest to get it back. Defy all traffic (and physical) laws as you do so. This will gain you admiration from your youthful peers, who love that sort of in-your-face style and mindless devotion to your soda of choice.&uot;

Dylan Belden is the Tribune’s managing editor. His column appears Sundays.