As a public service, I once again attempt to answer some of the questions troubling folks today.

&uot;I visited Hartland’s new tanning salon, ‘Ashes to Ashes,’ recently. It is very nice, but I am wondering why they gave me a bag of that microwaveable popcorn when I came in?&uot;

It is simple. You take the popcorn into the tanning booth with you. When it is done popping, you are tanned.

&uot;When weeding my garden, how can I be sure that I am removing weeds and not valuable plants?&uot;

Whenever in doubt, just pull the plant out. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

&uot;A crowd of loafers always hangs around my cafe. How can I get them to disperse?&uot;

Take up a collection.

&uot;I have one canary and I would like to get another, but I have heard that having a second bird may cut down the amount of singing done by the first.

Any advice?&uot;

Get the second canary and don’t worry &045; two can cheep as lively as one.

&uot;Do you have any suggestions on how to slow down the aging process?&uot;

Turn it into a bill and run it through Congress.

&uot;What is a squirrel’s nest called?”

A nutcracker suite.

&uot;As a physician, I am constantly being sued for medical malpractice. What’s the deal?&uot;

It is simple, some attorneys are on a surgeon destroy mission.

&uot;It sometimes takes me a while to remember things. What’s wrong with me? Is this something that comes with age?&uot;

It sounds as though you may be going through mental pause. Did you get 100 percent on all of your tests in school? If not, you have always had trouble remembering things.

&uot;Your neighbor, Crandall, has been married a few times. Did all of his brides wear white?&uot;

Yes. Crandall believes that the dishwasher should match the stove and the refrigerator.

&uot;What exactly is a referendum?&uot;

It is the south part of a northbound referee.

&uot;Why do you think so many people watch football?&uot;

It’s because it takes their minds off synchronized swimming.

&uot;Isn’t it refreshing that so many people are getting out of politics so they can spend more time with their families?&uot;

Yes, but there are still a lot of people who are getting out of their families so they can spend more time in politics.

&uot;Can money buy happiness?&uot;

No. And it is a good thing. If money could buy happiness, just imagine what the taxes would be on it.

&uot;What do you want to be when you grow up?&uot;

A little boy with a big allowance.

&uot;What exactly is frostbite?&uot;

That is what you get when you are bitten by a snowman that is a vampire.

&uot;Can a fat person go skinny dipping?&uot;

I believe so, but I’ve always wondered if a person can be a closet claustrophobic?

&uot;I saw a crow sitting on a telephone wire. Why does it do that?&uot;

He was probably making some long distance caws. Boy, wait until he sees his bill.

&uot;How can I describe to my children the way the Earth is structured?&uot;

Tell them that the Earth is like a giant, six-layer cake with all of the nuts on top.

&uot;Why do Great Blue Herons have such long legs?&uot;

So their feet will reach the ground.

&uot;Why do robins typically lay four eggs?&uot;

Because robins have heard that every fifth bird is a starling.

&uot;Is it good luck if a bird lands on your shoulder?”

No. If a bird lands on your shoulder, it usually means that you will be needing a clean shirt.

&uot;You once wrote that Beethoven hated chickens. Why?&uot;

Because his chickens kept calling, &uot;Bach, Bach, Bach.&uot;

&uot;Why do geese honk as they fly over in a V-formation?&uot;

They all want to pass.

&uot;How do I keep squirrels from digging up my flower bulbs?&uot;

Don’t bury the bulbs.

&uot;I like driving through swamp country. Is there anything I should keep an eye out for?&uot;

Yes. Watch for deer going bayou.

&uot;Do you really think a good doctor can add 10 years to a person’s life?&uot;

Sure. Of course, nine of those years would be spent in the doctor’s waiting room.

&uot;How can I tell if there is global warming?&uot;

Here are a few signs of global warming. If you have to feed your chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs. If hot water comes out of both taps. If the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. If potatoes cook underground and they are ready to eat once you add butter, salt and pepper. If you can make instant sun tea.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.