A lot of people ask me interesting questions. As a public service, I will attempt to answer some of them.

&uot;What is the best way to keep squirrels away from bird feeders?&uot; With heavily armed National Guard troops.

&uot;Where is the most likely place to see a man-eating fish?&uot; At a seafood restaurant.

&uot;How small is Hartland?&uot; When someone chops onions in the kitchen, the entire town cries.

&uot;I am stunned by the beauty of the noses of the people in the Hartland area.

Are they all due to heredity?&uot; No, most of them are hand picked.

&uot;How can I stop worrying about cholesterol?&uot; Try exceeding the speed limit at all times. The costs of the speeding violations and the loss of your license should take your mind off your cholesterol.

&uot;I found a $100 bill on the street. What should I do with it?&uot; Pay it.

&uot;How can I tell if a crow is a male or a female?&uot; Tell it a joke. If he laughs, it is a male. If she laughs, it is a female.

&uot;I am your former junior high school math teacher. What do you have if you have $100 in your front pocket and $200 in your back pocket?&uot; Somebody else’s pants.

&uot;How do you know if you are a birder?&uot; You are probably a birder if you have ever faked your own death in order to attract vultures.

&uot;How can I prevent so many birds from hitting my windows?&uot; Move your bird feeder outside.

&uot;Where could I find reindeer?&uot; That depends on where you left them.

&uot;Do you have a cat?&uot; No, the litter box is for guests.

&uot;What makes a White Christmas?&uot; There has to be shoveling involved.

&uot;How long does the rush hour last in the Twin Cities?&uot; It runs from 6 a.m. one day until 7 p.m. the next. That’s 37 hours each day.

&uot;What is the worst part of Christmas for you?&uot; Two words: tinsel rash.

&uot;How long does the average fish live?&uot; It is impossible to say because the catfish has nine lives.

&uot;Why does the football season last so long?&uot; To give us some idea of eternity.

&uot;Do you enjoy the music of Michael Bolton?&uot; Sort of. I use one of his CDs to scrape the ice off the windshield of my pickup.

&uot;Do they serve crabs at the cafe there in Hartland?&uot; They serve anyone.

&uot;Should I have a will?&uot; It’s a dead giveaway.

&uot;What is the most ice-free season?&uot; Salt.

&uot;Are you an organ donor?&uot; No, but I did give an old piano to The Salvation Army once.

&uot;Why did doctors give up the practice of bloodletting?&uot; Because it proved to be all in vein.

&uot;My baby goat limps. What could be wrong with it?&uot; It may be suffering from kid knee failure.

&uot;What is period furniture?&uot; It is the kind of furniture that you have for a period of time before the finance company repossesses it.

&uot;What is the best thing to do when the thermometer hits 100 degrees?&uot; Hope that it is a Fahrenheit thermometer and not a Celsius one.

&uot;What is the most important rule of highway safety?&uot; Stay out of my way.

&uot;What causes heat waves?&uot; People who wave back.

&uot;What did you give for Christmas?&uot; On behalf of all you wonderful readers, I gave a flock of baby chickens to a village in a poor country. A chick was sent in your name.

&uot;Why do people wear perfume and cologne?&uot; It makes scents.

&uot;How do I get people to think that I am important?&uot; Walk around with a serious look and a clipboard.

&uot;Do all birds fly south?&uot; No, just the retired ones.

&uot;Why were the old telephones made so much better than the modern-day ones?&uot; It is simple. The telephone company owned the old ones and did not include planned obsolescence. Those old phones were so big and heavy, that children were taught to hide under them when a tornado was sighted.

&uot;You say that everything is put on earth for a purpose. Tell me what fleas are good for?&uot; Do you have any idea of how many people are employed in the manufacture and sale of flea collars?

&uot;What do you call psychics that predicts earthquakes?&uot; Faults prophets.

&uot;What kind of birds stick together?&uot; Vel-crows.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.