Some people really need to get a life. I’m talking about all these people who, due to France’s opposition to a U.S.-led attack on Iraq, are so anti-France that they insist on renaming anything with the word &uot;French&uot; in it, such as French fries and French toast. How asinine. Patriotism is certainly to be commended, but purposely restructuring our language to avoid any bad feelings about countries we disagree with is just plain moronic. After the Sept. 11 attacks, we didn’t hear about anybody referring to afghan blankets as &uot;liberty quilts.&uot; I admit, though, it would be somewhat interesting to see this &uot;anti-France&uot; thing enforced. Jackboot-wearing Freedom Enforcers could march through the streets, making sure all references to anything French are obliterated. French’s brand mustard would be forced to change its name to Freedom mustard. Bakeries selling French crullers would be forced to rename them &uot;Old Glory doughnuts.&uot; French dip sandwiches would be renamed &uot;patriot sandwiches.&uot; &uot;Victory vanilla&uot; would be a popular flavor for cappuccino. People of French descent would be sought out and placed into detention camps. New Orleans would burn the French Quarter to the ground. Actor French Stewart would be forced to either change his name or face execution.

That said, I will now change the subject before I get even more carried away.

Have you heard any of those radio commercials that offer suggestions about how you might spend money you have won on lottery scratch game tickets? The winners in these commercials buy various things, such as a new bowling ball, a deluxe car wash, a full-service fill up at the gas station and three expensive pairs of shoes. The point of these commercials is to let people know it is possible to win some extra spending money by playing the lottery. I’d like to hear a commercial a little closer to the truth, like some guy who won $100 on scratch game tickets, then used that money to buy 100 more tickets. Or, someone who won a fairly large amount of money, but not enough to cover the cost of the tickets they bought. But I suppose focusing on compulsive gambling wouldn’t help to sell tickets, would it?

On the subject of commercials, here’s another one. The other day, I saw a commercial for Rochester Lapidary Jewelers. It was a normal commercial and a normal product, but kind of a weird name for a business. What kind of a name is that? I’ve always thought that the word &uot;lapidary&uot; sounds like some sort of substitute milk for the lactose intolerant. Imagine this conversation at the supper table: &uot;Would you like some milk, Bob? &uot;None for me, thanks. I’m lactose intolerant.&uot; &uot;But Bob, it’s lapidary.&uot; &uot;Well then, fill me up a glass!&uot;

Have you seen the commercials for that new Discover credit card? It’s a credit card that pulls out of your key chain, so you don’t even have to carry a wallet. That’s kind of a cool idea. I think they should through a few more things in there, though, like a driver’s license, vehicle registration, insurance information and social security card. They could call it a Swiss Army key chain.

Finally, another commercial I saw recently was for a less practical, but much more amusing product. It’s called Rodex 4000, or something like that. It’s this thing that looks kind of like a weed trimmer, but you put it over a gopher hole and trigger an explosion, sending dirt flying out the other end of the hole. It was almost like one of those fake commercials from Saturday Night Live.

I’m not sure, but for some reason, I have a feeling the Rodex 4000 will be a hit with beer drinkers who own potato cannons.

Dustin Petersen is an Albert Lea resident. His column appears Mondays.