Once again, it is time for me to answer some of the questions I have been asked.

&uot;They say that love makes the world go ’round. Do you believe that to be true?&uot; Yes, but then so does a good swallow of tobacco juice.

&uot;Do you know of a diet plan that really works?&uot; Sure, the Hartland Diet. It has 5 steps. Step 1, list your 10 favorite foods. Step 2, list your 5 favorite beverages. Step 3, list all the vegetables that taste like tree leaves and grass. Step 4, list water. Step 5, avoid everything listed in steps 1 and 2. Eat only the things listed in step 3 and drink only what is listed in step 4.

&uot;I have noticed that Hartland does not have a jail. What do you do with convicted miscreants?&uot; We make them members of the city council or the township board until they mend their ways.

&uot;Do you know how to read lips?&uot; No. My grandfather was hard-of-hearing. He read lips and it drove us all crazy. He was good at it, but he insisted on using one of those yellow highlighters.

&uot;Should talking out loud be banned in movie theaters?&uot; Yes, and so should popcorn. People make too much noise while eating it.

&uot;Any tips for driving in a snowstorm?&uot; Sure. Get thee behind a snowplow and follow it at a safe distance. I remember one terrible blizzard when I had to pull over to the side of the road because the visibility was so poor. I waited for nearly an hour and then a snowplow went by me.

I followed it for about three hours. By that time it had finished cleaning the Wal-Mart parking lot and I followed it to the Hy-Vee parking lot.

&uot;What was your first job?&uot; My first real job was as a beekeeper. I had just completed a course in bookkeeping. Friends and relatives spread the word of my need for gainful employment. My phone rang and I was hired by a hard-of-hearing beekeeper. I took the job. We both got stung on the deal.

&uot;If cats could talk, what would they say?&uot; Nothing. They wouldn’t lower themselves to talk to us.

&uot;Has anyone ever told you that you have a great smile?&uot; I got it from my father. After I was born, he had no need for it anymore.

&uot;I heard that there are people living in your basement. Is that true?&uot; Those are only roomers.

&uot;Why do we have lutefisk?&uot; It is because we live above the Lutefisk Line. If we lived below it, we would have to eat grits instead.

&uot;What exactly is a ‘trophy wife’?&uot; Any woman who is willing to marry one of us.

&uot;My barber can never get my sideburns even. What gives?&uot; You suffer from the same little known medical problem that I do &045; lopsided head.

&uot;What part of Texas did you go to last winter?&uot; I don’t know. We flew there.

&uot;I burned my lips. Have you ever done that?&uot; Just once. I burned them on the tailpipe of the Pontiac that I was trying to blow up.

&uot;Why do robins drink so much water?&uot; To get the taste of worms out of their mouths.

&uot;Who or what is Clem Kadiddlehopper?&uot; It is an insect that jumps over Clem’s kadiddle.

&uot;How can I cure motion sickness?&uot; I recommend that you see a good motion doctor.

&uot;Do you believe in reincarnation?&uot; No, I believe that most flowers come back as dandelions.

&uot;I enjoy your column, but it’s so hard to read it through the bars of my parakeet’s cage. I’d hate to get rid of my pet bird. Any suggestions?&uot;

Get a bigger cage &045; one large enough to hold both you and your parakeet.

&uot;Have you ever given your wife a fur coat?&uot; Sort of. For our 20th anniversary, I gave her a coat that I had made by gluing a bunch of mice to an old shower curtain.

&uot;I just attended a concert where a musician made the audience cry. Can you play an instrument like that?&uot; You bet. I regularly made my high school band instructor cry.

&uot;Have you always been thin?&uot; As a child, I was so skinny that I looked like a human Pez dispenser.

&uot;How can I keep drink glasses from leaving rings on my coffee table?&uot; Use square drinking glasses.

&uot;I looked in your old high school yearbook, but I couldn’t find a picture of you. Where are you?&uot; If you want to find me in the old annual, just look for the most handsome guy in my class. I’ll be standing right behind him.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.