I get a lot of questions. I have few answers, but here they are.

&uot;What exactly is software?&uot; It consists of all those plastic utensils that we use to eat with at picnics.

&uot;Why did Schubert leave his symphony unfinished?&uot; He was afraid Eminem would sing it.

&uot;I hear some birds singing in the morning. Why do their songs sound so sad?&uot; Their bills are over dew.

&uot;What do you think of all of the reality shows on TV?&uot; They are proof that the brightness knob doesn’t turn up the intelligence.

&uot;Do you dream in color?&uot; I think so, but it may just be a pigment of my imagination.

&uot;What exactly is multitasking?&uot; Reading in the bathroom.

&uot;What is the best way to experience joy?&uot; Buy it in the dishwashing liquid section of your favorite supermarket.

&uot;Tony the Tiger was always saying, ‘They’re great!’ What was it that he was saying was great?&uot; Gazelles.

&uot;Where can I see an antelope?&uot; You can see an ant elope on an anthill.

&uot;Have you ever been in ‘Who’s Who’?&uot; No, but I have been included in &uot;What’s That?&uot;

&uot;What did you do before you were married?&uot; Whatever I wanted to.

&uot;Were you a good student in school?&uot; Yes, thanks to a long neck and good eyes.

&uot;How many bricks will it take to finish the county courthouse?&uot; One.

&uot;Do you believe that we will ever have world peace?&uot; Not until people stop passing on the right while the car ahead is making a left-hand turn in an intersection.

&uot;Is your dog really just like one of the family? If so, which one?&uot; Yes. Me.

&uot;Do you file your nails?&uot; No, I just clip them and then throw them away.

&uot;What do you call something that one person would never say behind another person’s back?&uot; Flattery.

&uot;Why do men have to scratch themselves?&uot; Because they are the only ones who know where they itch.

&uot;Would you like to hear a rope joke?&uot; Skip it.

&uot;Are you one of those who believe in paying your taxes with a smile?&uot; I tried, but they insisted on money.

&uot;Glaciers brought the rocks. The rocks are still here. Where did the glaciers go?&uot; They went to get more rocks.

&uot;I would like to spend some time alone. What do you suggest?&uot; Carry a tuba.

&uot;How can I find my way when I become lost in the woods?&uot; It is simple. Just remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

&uot;Were you a good basketball player?&uot; I was a religious player. Every time I would get the ball, the crowd would moan, &uot;Oh, Lord!&uot;

&uot;How do I get rid of my old garbage can? Every time I try to throw it away, the garbageman brings it back.&uot; Sell it at your garage sale as a primitive storage unit.

&uot;I have heard that Tarzan had a real bad attitude. Is this true?&uot; Yes, the Apeman had a real chimp on his shoulder that brought his marriage to Jane to an end.

&uot;You seem deep. Are you?&uot; No, I’m just piled high.

&uot;How does a man know when he has met the right woman?&uot; She will be someone who can read you like a Cliff’s Notes.

&uot;Have you ever had a massage?&uot; No, I am worried that it might turn me into a massagynist.

&uot;Do you ever walk into a room, say the kitchen, and then forget the reason why you walked into it?&uot; Have I? Sometimes I even forget that we have a kitchen.

&uot;How come you don’t play golf?&uot; Because every time I have ever played golf, something always showed up to ruin the experience for me &045; the scorecard.

&uot;What does ‘gesundheit’ mean?&uot; It means, &uot;you missed me.&uot;

&uot;Do you carry all the health insurance that you need?&uot; I think I must. The premiums I pay are enough to make me sick.

&uot;What is the height of ignorance?&uot; I am 6 feet 4 inches tall.

&uot;How big is Hartland?&uot; Hartland is so small that all of the dogs have to walk around on their hind legs.

&uot;Why do we have to have winter?&uot; Winter was invented by Canadians to justify hockey.

&uot;Do you enjoy the change of seasons?&uot; I think that Minnesota has only one season, but nobody knows which one it is.

&uot;Where is Hartland?&uot; We are 90 miles from Minneapolis &045; by telephone.

&uot;Do you come from a family of good eaters?&uot; Do I? At Thanksgiving, we stuffed the turkey with a chicken.

Hartland resident Al Batt writes columns for the Wednesday and Sunday editions of the Tribune.