I’ll be glad when April is finally over. Maybe then they’ll take all those blue ribbons off the trees. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not in any way in favor of child abuse. I’m just tired of every cause making their statement by tying ribbons around trees.

I think it all started with that song, &uot;Tie a Yellow Ribbon,&uot; in which the singer requests that someone he hasn’t seen for three long years tie a yellow ribbon ’round the old oak tree. (For the record, that song was originally written about somebody who had been in prison.) Then, during the first Gulf War, tying a yellow ribbon around any tree became a symbol of support for our troops. Or maybe it was a lack of support, suggesting that our troops come home. Another possibility is that it concurrently symbolized support for our troops and also a hope for them to come home safely after the war was over.

Last year, during the District 241 referendum, there were two camps: those who supported the referendum, and those who opposed it. Both used ribbons around trees – either red or blue – to show their stance on the issue. I don’t recall which side was affiliated with either color. More recently, a letter to the editor suggested tying ribbons around trees as a means of showing community support for Premium Pork building a plant in Albert Lea. I imagine they’d use pink ribbons for that.

The problem with using ribbons to symbolize viewpoints is that no color is exclusive to any group, and there are only so many colors available. What happens when the same color is used simultaneously by two different groups? Imagine the consequences if those opposed to the war in Iraq inadvertently used the same color ribbon as those who were pro-choice. Wouldn’t that make for some interesting misunderstandings?

Maybe there could be some sort of national ribbon registry, which would stipulate which colors could be used in what cases. That would eliminate this kind of confusion. All ribbon-using organizations would be required to file with them, just to make everything official. They could even have a Web site, www.ribbon.org, where organization members could see what colors had already been taken within their communities. Colors would be distributed on a first come, first served basis. Wait too long, and you’d have to use an olive ribbon for your cause. Ish. Then again, an olive ribbon would be somewhat effective if your statement was that something or other made you sick.

Anyway, I find the whole &uot;ribbon around a tree&uot; thing trite and uninspired, especially when there are two sides using differently colored ribbons. It seems too similar to the whole gang color mentality thing to me. Besides, ribbons don’t show true support (or opposition) for anything, really. Getting involved, however, does. There should be an option for people with the same sentiment &045; something for us to show opposition to all ribbons around trees, no matter what cause they represent. My suggestion is to tie a black ribbon around a telephone pole. Yes, I realize this suggestion is somewhat of a paradox, but its alternative &045; removing other people’s ribbons &045; would be on par with vandalism. And doing nothing would be just that: doing nothing.

Incidentally, I once saw a humorous greeting card on which someone had tied a yellow gibbon around an old oak tree. Though any change from the ribbons would be a welcome one, I’m not suggesting we fasten primates to trees. That would be politically incorrect, not to mention inhumane.

Fastening PETA activists to trees, on the other hand, would be all right with me. (And before anybody calls me at home about this, keep in mind that I was only joking.)

Dustin Petersen is an Albert Lea resident. His column appears Tuesdays.