Column: A calming voice of reason in a mad, mad, mad, mad world

Published 12:00 am Saturday, May 3, 2003

We live in uncertain times. The economy is sagging, conflict mars the international scene, SARS is spreading, and Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy …

Wait, that last one was from a movie. Never mind.

Regardless, these are nervous days, and there’s nothing like a steady, reassuring old wise man to comfort the people under such circumstances.

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That’s where Albert comes in.

Surely you’ve heard of Albert L. Tribune by now &045; he’s the fellow who’s worked here since the early 1900s and spends his days whittling in the spacious basement here at the grand old Tribune building. People have gotten in the habit of writing Albert with their questions, and I oblige by forwarding them to him. Here’s the latest Q and A with Albert:

Dear Albert: The Freeborn County commissioners gave themselves a pay raise. Now, they’re in budget trouble and some people want them to retract the raises. Is there any good reason why they wouldn’t? It think it would look very bad if they refuse to do it.

Albert says: They do claim to have at least one good reason: If the county doesn’t keep those salaries on pace with inflation, a future board could wake up one day and see that salaries have not kept up with reality, then be faced with increasing them enough to catch up. Other counties have gotten into trouble like that. The Freeborn County crew may prefer to keep the steady, consistent inflationary increases going and avoid trouble in the future. That’s what they tell me, anyway. I don’t think any of the commissioners would cling to their raises because they want to milk the county for money; let’s give them a little more credit than that.

Dear Albert: I heard this Premium Pork company may have deeper connections to Seaboard than people are letting on. In fact, Seaboard recently

made a large investment in an unnamed private company. Doesn’t that seem fishy? Is this unknown company really Premium Pork? Is Seaboard just setting up this new company so it can get business done with a new, unsoiled name?

Albert says: That may seem fishy. I did some checking, and here’s what I found: Seaboard’s official stance is that they don’t comment on any of these private investments, and the kind of transaction they made does not require public disclosure through the SEC. So, dead end there. But the local lawyer who’s representing the company says emphatically that Premium Pork, aside from being headed up by a former Seaboard executive, has no other direct or indirect connection to Seaboard. He’s said this before. Since there’s nobody else to ask, that will have to be good enough.

Dear Albert: What do you think they should put on the old Farmland site? I say a casino.

Albert says: A casino is too dangerous. Think about the risk: Third-rate, washed-up musical acts and comedians would be clogging the roads into town to perform there. Plus, if I wanted to take a gamble, I’d drink a glass of water from Albert Lea Lake.

I say they should put about a dozen more auto parts stores there. Now, there’s a market that’s badly underserved in this area.

Dear Albert: Why aren’t we getting more answers on what will happen if this Premium Pork comes to town? Will there be an environmental disaster? Will the crime rate go up? Will we like it or not? We need answers!

Albert says: The reason the city isn’t answering those questions is that budget cuts have forced them to cut the position of City Psychic. Now City Hall has no resources for magically peering into the future. They tried to hire the Weekly World News psychic for a one-time contract, but she was busy figuring out whether Bette Midler will try to start a pro rodeo career.

Dylan Belden is the Tribune’s managing editor. His column appears Sundays. E-mail him at dylan.belden@albertleatribune.com.