Column: Albert’s move upstairs brings another Q and A session

Published 12:00 am Saturday, July 5, 2003

Something extraordinary is happening at the Tribune. The basement needs a little cleaning up, and we’ve actually hired a contractor to go down there and get rid of some of that mold and mustiness that’s been building up over the years.

That means Albert L. Tribune, the wise old fella who still works down there in the cool, dimly lit cellar, will be displaced for the first time in his many decades of work. He’s going to have to work upstairs for a couple of weeks.

Since we have been using digital cameras for a few years now, our darkroom has become just another empty space that we don’t use. It seemed natural that Albert could set up shop in there, what with his aversion to bright light and social contact.

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That means I’m working more closely than ever to Mr. Tribune. My desk in the newsroom is right next to the darkroom door. Now, if somebody sends me a question to ask the old sage, I can just lean back and shout to him.

Here’s the latest round of questions I have forwarded to Albert, along with his answers.

Dear Albert: I was so bummed out about the rain during the Fourth of July fireworks. Why did it have to go and rain?

Albert says: The only surefire way I know of to make it rain on the Fourth is to have someone point out that it never rains on the Fourth. I think that’s called tempting fate.

Dear Albert: Can’t the city do something to let people watch that nice fireworks display in any kind of weather?

Albert says: Yes, they can. It’s called the &uot;Fireworks Dome,&uot; a big enclosed structure with a Teflon roof that would seat thousands. It would cost about $50 million to build, but after just a few years, people would start to think it was obsolete. They’d complain about the sight lines; they’d wonder who decided to make the roof red and yellow and blue, making it hard to see the fireworks; and so forth. People would start demanding a retractable-roof fireworks dome that would cost $300 million, but nobody would want to pay for it.

Dear Albert: We recently learned that a big pork plant is going to be built in Missouri instead of Albert Lea. Do you have any inside information on why the company picked that other city instead of us?

Albert says: I’ve had my ear to the ground on this one for a while, and I’ve overheard dozens of reasons. First I heard that it was all about infrastructure. Then somebody said it was location. Then somebody said it was that the government there was more cooperative at all levels. Then somebody said it was the support of residents. Then somebody said it was that St. Joseph had more to offer in incentives. Then somebody said it was quality of life. I guess with a company that never really made sure the straight story was out there from the start, we shouldn’t be surprised that we can’t get the straight story on why they picked their site.

For my money, their geography reason makes the most sense. A location further south puts them closer to their customers and their workforce. The odd thing is, they could have figured that out by looking at a map four months ago instead of spending all that time teasing Albert Lea with the possibility that they’d build here. From now on, I’m going to personally provide a map to any company that expresses interest in Albert Lea so they can find these things out sooner and save us all the trouble.

Dear Albert: Are you disappointed that Premium Pork isn’t going to build its headquarters in Albert Lea?

Albert says: Of course. Lots of people need those jobs, and we’d have gotten more rich corporate types in here to spend their money. But there would have been drawbacks, too; for instance, we’d have gotten more rich corporate types in here to throw their weight around.

In the end, I tend to look at the positive. Even though Albert Lea didn’t get the plant, at least the local law firm Premium Pork hired to speak for them will get paid. That’s not quite the $100 million annual economic infusion we’d hoped for, but it’s something. And I’m told that money will cycle through the economy five to seven times. Woohoo!!!

Dylan Belden is the Tribune’s managing editor. His column appears Sundays. E-mail him at dylan.belden@albertleatribune.com.