Column: Offering some unconventional ways to encourage growth

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, July 16, 2003

I love where I live &045; here in Freeborn County. In my humble opinion, it is one of the best places on earth. Our local leaders spend a lot of time trying to come up with plans to make Freeborn County grow &045; ways to bring in more business, to attract more visitors and to keep our children here. What does Branson have that Freeborn County doesn’t? Branson is in Missouri and we are not. That’s the only difference. As far as I am concerned, give me Conger over Branson any time. As a public service, I have come up with a few ideas that are hotter than a 99-cent set of jumper cables and will make Freeborn County grow and prosper.

Make the entire county a gated community and don’t let anyone out.

Dome Albert Lea Lake and promote indoor ice fishing.

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Dredge the lake and stock it with hump-backed whales. Drain Albert Lea Lake and make it the site of the world’s largest mud wrestling tournament.

Spread the rumor that the Uffdah Ness monster has been sighted in Albert Lea Lake.

Spread another rumor that a Bigfoot has been sighted in White Woods County Park.

Provide trained witnesses to talk to anyone with a TV camera.

Discover massive election fraud in the county, bringing in an endless supply of media types to spend some of their bountiful wealth here.

Taking a cue from &uot;The Survivor&uot; TV series, vote someone into the county each week.

Have the entire county annexed into Arizona or Texas.

Then most of Minnesota will be spending their winters here.

Eliminate all taxes and encourage residents to beg from rich people in neighboring counties.

Have a fireworks display on the fourth of every month.

The Freeborn County Board could tape its meetings and show them on an episode of &uot;Cops.&uot;

A degree from Riverland College will be free, but will not be valid if you leave the county.

Invite tourists to Freeborn County to have their picture taken with a resident of Hartland. Stress the lifelike people they will see in Hartland. Invite them to judge the wet bib overalls contest.

Entice tourists to come to Freeborn County by telling them that it’s like Disney World without all of the irritating rides, shows and lines.

Have a small town caf tour. Participants will visit the eating places in Hartland, Geneva, Freeborn, Clarks Grove, Alden, Myrtle, Glenville, Manchester, Hayward, Twin Lakes, Conger, Hollandale and Emmons. Prizes will be given to the person who puts on the most weight and to the one who shakes the most with coffee nerves after finishing the tour.

Offer visitors the opportunity to see a real live farmer in his native habitat while offering valet parking anywhere in the county. Offer &uot;get back to nature&uot; nostalgic tours such as walking bean rows and picking rocks. Make this sort of encounter even more inviting by declaring corn and soybeans illegal. Corn and soybeans will then have to be sold on darkened streets and back alleys like illegal drugs. Based on the fact that more people eat than do illegal drugs, each farmer will become richer than Bill Gates and will have a palatial mansion to show off to visitors.

Hold a snowblower rodeo each year. Start a lutefisk museum.

Promote Bath as a place for people who want to get away from it all.

Revive the twist and the Hula Hoop. Hold conventions for each sponsored by the National Association of Chiropractors.

Hold an annual Carp Festival. This would be the epitome of excitement. Two words &045; carp pie. Crown a Carp King and a Carp Queen. Encourage participation by offering a free fishing license to any fisherperson paying for at least one night’s lodging within the county.

The courthouse could hold an annual quick-draw competition for everyone who has a valid permit to carry a concealed weapon. The jail could easily be turned into a historic jail by allowing law enforcement officers to arrest anyone named Jesse James, Al Capone, Ma Barker, John Dillinger or Billy the Kid.

Declare the county a sovereign nation and open a Norwegian casino.

Lastly, we need to come up with a catchy slogan like this one. &uot;Remember, Freeborn County is not just for Albert Lea, Alden, Armstrong, Freeborn, Hartland, Clarks Grove, Geneva, Newry, Maple Island, Corning, Hollandale, Manchester, Bancroft, Lerdal, Moscow, Oakland, Hayward, Conger, Mansfield, Emmons, Twin Lakes, Glenville, Gordonsville, Myrtle, Deer Creek, London, Petran, Bath and 20 Terrific Townships Anymore.&uot; Rolls off the tongue like a greased ball bearing, doesn’t it?

(Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear Wednesdays and Sundays in the Tribune.)