Column: Answers to all the questions you ask, and some you don’t

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Another installment of &uot;Ask Al&uot;:

&uot;Are you an organ donor?&uot; Yes, I am leaving my brain to medical science. The authorities tell me that every little bit helps.

&uot;What is the difference between chickens and turkeys?&uot; Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving.

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&uot;What do you drive?&uot; My wife crazy.

&uot;What should you do if your clothes catch on fire?&uot; I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t put them on.

&uot;Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?&uot; My wife says it was because she had three males giving her directions.

&uot;What does a tadpole become when it grow up?&uot; Bigger.

&uot;Do you find it difficult to organize your thoughts?&uot; No, I find it quite easy. Of course, that may be because I have so few of them.

&uot;How come there is a lifeguard in Hartland when there is no swimming pool or lake?&uot; It’s a government job.

&uot;I am nearly bald and would like to grow some hair. Any suggestions?&uot; Have you tried sitting in the back of the refrigerator for a few months?

&uot;Did you have your ankles taped before you played basketball?&uot; Before every game, my coach would tape my ankles to the bench in the locker room.

&uot;Is anyone in your family hard-of-hearing?&uot; What?

&uot;Does rolling a sleeping person on his side make him stop snoring?&uot; It sure does. He will stop snoring the minute he rolls out of bed and hits the floor.

&uot;Who do you think were our greatest presidents? It would have to be Lincoln and Ford. They were so good that they had cars named after them.

&uot;I have a real green thumb when it comes to vegetable gardening, but I couldn’t grow a rose to save my soul. What’s my problem?&uot; Maybe the flowers are allergic to you?

&uot;How do I know when I should water my indoor cactus plant?&uot; Water it whenever it rains in Arizona.

&uot;Are you the baby of your family?&uot; Yes, after I was born, Mom and Dad got twin beds.

&uot;Why do more men get hit by lightning than women?&uot; It’s because men are optimistic. Women are afraid that they will get hit by lightning while men are sure that they will not.

&uot;Can you do bird calls?&uot; Yes, but I have no idea what I am saying.

&uot;Where do you live?&uot; I live so far out in the country that no convenience store is convenient.

&uot;I dream about tobacco. What does that mean?&uot; It means that you are having pipe dreams.

&uot;What is the worst you have ever been lost?&uot; I think it was the time I mistook a piece of sandpaper for a map of the desert.

&uot;You once wrote that a great uncle of yours died in an odd way. What happened?&uot; No one in the family listened to him. He kept telling everyone that his feet were killing him.

&uot;Does Hartland have a subway system?&uot; No, but we do have a guy who has a great train set in his basement.

&uot;What is your favorite fish?&uot; The filet-o-fish.

&uot;How do you feel about the state deciding to keep all the rest areas open?&uot; I feel relieved.

&uot;What was your major in college?&uot; Pig Latin. I wanted to be a hog caller.

&uot;What is the capital of Wyoming?&uot; W.

&uot;Are you much of a photographer?&uot; Well, I shoot a lot with a camera, but I don’t hit much.&uot;

&uot;What do you think is the best diet plan?&uot; One in which you reward yourself for losing five pounds by gaining all the weight back.

&uot;Do you believe in evolution?&uot; If I did, how would I explain professional wrestling and Geraldo Rivera?

&uot;I keep forgetting the same things. What’s wrong with me?&uot; It sounds like you are suffering from both amnesia and deja vu.

&uot;Do you believe in getting a regular eye exam?&uot; Do I ever. I even have the doctor check both eyes while he’s at it.

&uot;What is the best way to mow your lawn?&uot; Ignore it completely. Sooner or later, your wife will mow it.

&uot;What do you call a lawyer gone bad?&uot; Senator.

&uot;What does a signature tell about a man?&uot; It tells a lot, sometimes even his name.

&uot;How can you tell if someone is from a large family?&uot; By the fork scars on the back of his hands.

&uot;How big will the new Wal-Mart super store be?&uot; It will be so big that there will be a traffic helicopter flying around inside it.

(Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear Wednesdays and Sundays in the Tribune.)