Column: Ask a series of silly questions and Al’s got your silly answers
Published 12:00 am Wednesday, October 8, 2003
I do appreciate the questions asked by you good readers. I will endeavor to answer a few.
&uot;What is your favorite thing to use when you are out of butter?&uot; Chapstick.
&uot;Did your family have much money while you were growing up?&uot; No, a quarter looked as big to me as a tractor tire. We got by. My mother took in washing. Some days she washed as many as 10 cars.
&uot;You once wrote that you have ‘curfew knees.’ What does that mean?&uot; At 10 p.m. the joints close.
&uot;The compass in my car is broken. How can I tell which direction I am going?&uot; Just remember that the moss grows on the north side of your vehicle.
&uot;Is there anything I should know before going for a walk in a state park in the summer?&uot; Yes, please remember that mosquitoes are a protected species there. Please practice catch-and-release. If you should happen to accidentally kill one of our skeeter friends, you will be required to replace it with a mosquito from outside the park.
&uot;Why are there so many Olsons in Albert Lea?&uot; It is because of the fine work of the Olson Manufacturing plant.
&uot;I see that the Village Inn in Hartland offers jaegerschnitzel. What is jaegerschnitzel?&uot; Great question. Jaegerschnitzel is a generous helping of jaeger served with a scrumptious plate of schnitzel.
&uot;What do you think of rap music?&uot; Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
&uot;How could I confuse some relatives who live in the Greater Hartland area?&uot; Give them two shovels and tell them to take their pick.
&uot;Have you ever thought of getting into politics?&uot; Have I? I have just been appointed to a new governmental agency that has the sole purpose of finding out if we have too much government.
&uot;Did you have any teachers who were quite old when you were in school?&uot; I sure did. I had one teacher who was so old that she taught Shakespeare.
&uot;How do you combat the mosquitoes around the Batt Cave?&uot; I do it by plantings. I put in hundreds of Venus fly swatters. The plants are keeping the mosquito numbers down, but the constant swatting sounds keep me awake nights.
&uot;Do you like bats?&uot; I like bats so much that I live in a Batt house.
&uot;What causes a man to become a columnist?&uot; Too much free time on his hands.
&uot;Did you have an ice cream man in your neighborhood while you were growing up?&uot; No, the closest we came to having one was an angry neighbor who was always willing to put ice down our pants.
&uot;Did you ever take Latin in school?&uot; Yes, but I didn’t do very well in it. My teacher graded in Roman numerals, so even when I got a score of 100 on a test, I only received a C.
&uot;Are you setting aside some money for retirement?&uot; Yes, I am. I figure that I will be able to retire at age 65 on $65 a week. I will probably retire on the &uot;rule of 90.&uot; That means that I will be able to retire once I turn 90 years old.
&uot;What do you believe the secret of a long life is?&uot; Lots of birthdays.
&uot;What kind of a pickup does your neighbor Crandall drive?&uot; It’s a Rolls Kinardly. It rolls down one hill and kinardly get up the next.
&uot;What are the seven wonders of the world?&uot; To see, to hear, to touch, to taste, to feel, to laugh and to love.
&uot;How can you prevent diseases spread by biting insects?&uot; Don’t bite any insects.
&uot;My wife saw a six-foot snake in our yard. Can you tell me what kind of a snake it was?&uot; Sorry, I’ve never seen a snake with even one foot.
&uot;How do you predict the weather?&uot; I look out my window.
&uot;If you are so smart, how come you weren’t a straight-A student in high school?&uot; I lost my pencil.
&uot;What is the tallest building in Hartland?&uot; It would have to be the library building. It has over 10,000 stories.
&uot;Were you at Woodstock?&uot; Almost. I thought I was going to Woodstock, but ended up in Woolstock, Iowa by mistake. Woolstock was very nice, but I couldn’t find Richie Havens anywhere.
&uot;Do these jeans make me look fat?&uot; No, dear.
&uot;I’d like to get my wife some flowers. Do you know a good source for reasonably-priced flowers?&uot; The dumpster behind any funeral home is a good place.
(Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear Wednesdays and Sundays in the Tribune.)