Column: Curious readers question lutefisk, population of Twin Cities, crop circles
Published 12:00 am Wednesday, March 17, 2004
By Al Batt, Tribune columnist
Great readers ask me great questions.
&uot;Why would my wife want 10 new pairs of shoes?&uot; To have something to go with her 10 new outfits.
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&uot;Have you ever seen a Bigfoot?&uot; Yes, once at the shoe store in Alden. I have also seen a Bighoot, an eight-foot tall owl, near Hartland.
&uot;My drain is clogged. What can I do?&uot; Hire a group of clog dancers.
&uot;Do you maintain a regular exercise program?&uot; Yes, each day, I take my goldfish for a walk.
&uot;Are you much of a fisherman?&uot; I think that I could sum up my fishing abilities simply by stating that my tackle box is an old Altoids container that formerly contained curiously strong peppermints.
&uot;What is the best use for leather?&uot; To hold cows together.
&uot;Are you obsessive about anything?&uot; Yes, all of my obsessions.
&uot;What does ‘lutefisk’ mean?&uot; It is an old Norwegian word meaning &uot;coming from between the toes.&uot;
&uot;Is there a golf course in Hartland?&uot; Yes, there is an 8-hole course, but it is always busy. That’s where the Norwegian Bowling League tournaments take place.
&uot;Do you know any place where I can get a sundae with extra hot fudge?&uot; I’m sorry, but I think the hot fudge only comes in one temperature.
&uot;Do you know anything about medicine?&uot; Only one thing. Never turn your back on a proctologist.
&uot;I don’t have a question.
I just want to thank you for your column. My family went camping and we took a bunch of your columns along with us. In a week’s time, we went through all of them. Thank you.&uot; You’re welcome, but next time, remember to take along the toilet paper.
&uot;Do you wear boxers or briefs?&uot; Depends.
&uot;What happens if you combine an infinite number of monkeys with a never-ending supply of typewriters?&uot; They will produce something much too well-written to be used on ESPN.
&uot;How many people live in the Twin Cities?&uot; About one-third. The other two-thirds are out driving around.
&uot;What is the advantage of being telepathic?&uot; It cuts down on the cell phone bill.
&uot;What would be the best thing to happen to professional sports?&uot;
The New York Yankees finishing last every year.
&uot;Your wife seems so nice. She deserves a good husband.&uot; Yes, she does. Luckily, I married her before she could find one.
&uot;What makes the best pillow?&uot; A clear conscience.
&uot;What is it that makes men want to go that extra mile?&uot; It’s because they missed the last exit.
&uot;Do you have nursing home insurance?&uot; Don’t need it. I have a hotel discount card.
&uot;So you live in Hartland? What part?&uot; All of me.
&uot;Have you joined the modern age and gotten yourself a cell phone?&uot; Yes, I do own a cell phone, but it has a rotary dial.
&uot;What is an official Minnesota yield sign supposed to look like?&uot; It’s a red octagon with the letters S-T-O-P on it.
&uot;What is the motto of the village of Bath?&uot; It’s &uot;Hey, we’re over here!&uot;
&uot;Do you miss the change of seasons when you travel outside the Midwest?&uot; No, that’s what we have The Weather Channel for.
&uot;What is the most common Minnesota potato?&uot;
&uot;What do you consider your greatest accomplishment?&uot; I am proud to have finished a jigsaw puzzle in just three months. The box it came in said it was &uot;for 2 to 4 years.&uot;
&uot;Did you really live a rustic youth?&uot;
My family was a lightbulb and a Pontiac away from being Amish.
&uot;How could I learn to speak like a Hartlander.&uot; I’ll help you, you bet. Here is the first lesson. Say &uot;creek&uot; when describing a sound that your knee makes.
Say &uot;crick&uot; when you are referring to a stream. And say &uot;crook&uot; when you are talking about a pain in your neck.
&uot;How do you find where someone lives in a small town?&uot; Ask anybody in a small town.
&uot;What do you think crop circles are?&uot; Ads for Target stores.
&uot;Why do golfers yell, ‘Fore!’&uot;
It’s easier than saying, &uot;Are you the next of kin?&uot;
&uot;What do you think the reason for the popularity of reality shows on TV is?&uot; They show the rest of us that we don’t have it so bad.
&uot;What does the word ‘stew’ mean?&uot; It’s an ancient Iowan word meaning &uot;don’t ask what’s in it.&uot;
&uot;What do you get the man who appreciates nothing?&uot; Nothing.
&uot;Do computers freeze up more often in Minnesota than in Arizona?&uot; Everything freezes up in Minnesota more often that it does in Arizona.
(Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear Wednesdays and Sundays in the Albert Lea Tribune.)