Column: Answers only Al could give to your questions on life

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, September 29, 2004

By Al Batt, Tribune columnist

Once again, I endeavor to answer a number of questions I have been asked.

The questions are great.

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The answers are mine.

&uot;Are geese smarter than chickens?&uot; Yes.

You’ve never heard of Kentucky Fried Goose, have you?

&uot;What can I get for a gift for the men in my life?&uot;

You can never go wrong with pocket knives and flashlights.

Oh, and forgiveness.

&uot;What is the most important trait of a good parent of teenagers?&uot;

The ability to accept criticism.

&uot;Are all mushrooms edible?&uot;

Yes, but some will kill you if you eat them.

&uot;What does that sign say outside of Hartland?&uot;

It says, &uot;Welcome to Hartland. Beware of Dog.&uot;

&uot;What is the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?&uot;

The pessimist is better informed.

&uot;Is it safe to drive in the rain?&uot; Only if it’s a driving rain.

&uot;How can I take a bath without water?&uot;

Wrap yourself completely in duct tape.

Rip the tape off and you should be clean.

&uot;Why should we be concerned about water pollution?&uot;

It could cause this nation to go from one ex-stream to another.

&uot;What is your date of birth?&uot;

March 16.

&uot;What year?&uot;

Every year.

&uot;Why didn’t the sea gull land in the bay?&uot;

It didn’t want to become a bay gull.

&uot;Were you ever in nursery school?&uot;

Yes, and it was a frightening experience for a little boy being surrounded by all those bushes and trees.

&uot;Why do they still include the word ‘obey’ in some marriage ceremonies?&uot;

To add a little humor to the occasion.

&uot;Why would anyone want to be in the insurance business?&uot;

So they could try to sell insurance to every telemarketer who calls.

&uot;Did you once work in an underwear shop?&uot; Briefly.

&uot;Can you identify this flower?&uot;

Yes, it’s a red one.

&uot;Do you have vanity plates on your car?&uot;

Only if my name is LC 232.

&uot;What steps should you take if someone comes at you with a knife?&uot;

Big ones.

&uot;What would you do if you didn’t have a penny to your name?&uot; Change my name.

&uot;Did your parents enjoy good health?&uot;

They loved it.

&uot;What kind of a spider weaves a web that consists of a single strand of silk?&uot;

An optimistic one.

&uot;My watch is always going back four seconds.

What’s wrong with it?&uot;

It’s hungry.

“Is there really a fault line that runs through your house?”

Yes, it’s called my fault.

&uot;Your wife told me that men are like guns.

What did she mean?&uot;

She meant that if you keep one

around long enough, you’re eventually going to want to shoot it.

&uot;What does ‘stark naked’ mean?&uot;

It means that someone is as naked as he was when the stark brought him.

&uot;What’s the secret to a long life?&uot; Not dying.

&uot;What’s the easiest way to open a jar?&uot;

Tell a 4-year-old not to touch it.

&uot;What are chicken fingers?&uot;

Fingers that smell like chicken.

&uot;Do you have a lot of willpower?&uot;

You bet, I do.

When I say that I am going to do something, I’ll either do it or I won’t do it.

&uot;Why do so many birds whistle their songs?&uot;

It’s because birds have trouble remembering the words.

&uot;How can I tell if I’m at an official meeting?&uot;

It’s an official meeting if minutes are kept and hours are lost.

&uot;What do you call it when you take a cup of coffee with you in your car?

Is it one for the road?&uot;

No, it’s one for the next rest area.

&uot;Why do Minnesotans live longer than most people?&uot;

It’s the cold.

We keep better.

&uot;Why did you cut a hole in your carpet?&uot;

So I could see the floor show.

&uot;What is the trouble with most men?&uot; Most women.

&uot;Can you fool all the people all of the time?&uot;

Sure.

All you have to do is write a diet book.

&uot;I heard something go, ‘quack, quack, gobble, gobble.’

What was it?&uot;

Someone was telling you to duck, you turkey.

&uot;Why do you think you are the way you are?&uot;

My mother ate a lot of baloney while she was pregnant with me.

&uot;Why is lakeshore property so expensive in Hartland?&uot;

There is no lake.

&uot;Did your parents ever ground you?&uot;

No, that would have meant that they would have had me around all of the time.

&uot;My dog has ticks.

How can I get rid of them?&uot;

Stop winding your dog.

&uot;Have you ever put your shoes on the wrong feet?&uot;

No, I’ve always put them on my feet.

(Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear Wednesdays and Sundays.)