Column: Answers only Al could give to your questions on life
Published 12:00 am Wednesday, September 29, 2004
By Al Batt, Tribune columnist
Once again, I endeavor to answer a number of questions I have been asked.
The questions are great.
The answers are mine.
&uot;Are geese smarter than chickens?&uot; Yes.
You’ve never heard of Kentucky Fried Goose, have you?
&uot;What can I get for a gift for the men in my life?&uot;
You can never go wrong with pocket knives and flashlights.
Oh, and forgiveness.
&uot;What is the most important trait of a good parent of teenagers?&uot;
The ability to accept criticism.
&uot;Are all mushrooms edible?&uot;
Yes, but some will kill you if you eat them.
&uot;What does that sign say outside of Hartland?&uot;
It says, &uot;Welcome to Hartland. Beware of Dog.&uot;
&uot;What is the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?&uot;
The pessimist is better informed.
&uot;Is it safe to drive in the rain?&uot; Only if it’s a driving rain.
&uot;How can I take a bath without water?&uot;
Wrap yourself completely in duct tape.
Rip the tape off and you should be clean.
&uot;Why should we be concerned about water pollution?&uot;
It could cause this nation to go from one ex-stream to another.
&uot;What is your date of birth?&uot;
March 16.
&uot;What year?&uot;
Every year.
&uot;Why didn’t the sea gull land in the bay?&uot;
It didn’t want to become a bay gull.
&uot;Were you ever in nursery school?&uot;
Yes, and it was a frightening experience for a little boy being surrounded by all those bushes and trees.
&uot;Why do they still include the word ‘obey’ in some marriage ceremonies?&uot;
To add a little humor to the occasion.
&uot;Why would anyone want to be in the insurance business?&uot;
So they could try to sell insurance to every telemarketer who calls.
&uot;Did you once work in an underwear shop?&uot; Briefly.
&uot;Can you identify this flower?&uot;
Yes, it’s a red one.
&uot;Do you have vanity plates on your car?&uot;
Only if my name is LC 232.
&uot;What steps should you take if someone comes at you with a knife?&uot;
Big ones.
&uot;What would you do if you didn’t have a penny to your name?&uot; Change my name.
&uot;Did your parents enjoy good health?&uot;
They loved it.
&uot;What kind of a spider weaves a web that consists of a single strand of silk?&uot;
An optimistic one.
&uot;My watch is always going back four seconds.
What’s wrong with it?&uot;
It’s hungry.
“Is there really a fault line that runs through your house?”
Yes, it’s called my fault.
&uot;Your wife told me that men are like guns.
What did she mean?&uot;
She meant that if you keep one
around long enough, you’re eventually going to want to shoot it.
&uot;What does ‘stark naked’ mean?&uot;
It means that someone is as naked as he was when the stark brought him.
&uot;What’s the secret to a long life?&uot; Not dying.
&uot;What’s the easiest way to open a jar?&uot;
Tell a 4-year-old not to touch it.
&uot;What are chicken fingers?&uot;
Fingers that smell like chicken.
&uot;Do you have a lot of willpower?&uot;
You bet, I do.
When I say that I am going to do something, I’ll either do it or I won’t do it.
&uot;Why do so many birds whistle their songs?&uot;
It’s because birds have trouble remembering the words.
&uot;How can I tell if I’m at an official meeting?&uot;
It’s an official meeting if minutes are kept and hours are lost.
&uot;What do you call it when you take a cup of coffee with you in your car?
Is it one for the road?&uot;
No, it’s one for the next rest area.
&uot;Why do Minnesotans live longer than most people?&uot;
It’s the cold.
We keep better.
&uot;Why did you cut a hole in your carpet?&uot;
So I could see the floor show.
&uot;What is the trouble with most men?&uot; Most women.
&uot;Can you fool all the people all of the time?&uot;
Sure.
All you have to do is write a diet book.
&uot;I heard something go, ‘quack, quack, gobble, gobble.’
What was it?&uot;
Someone was telling you to duck, you turkey.
&uot;Why do you think you are the way you are?&uot;
My mother ate a lot of baloney while she was pregnant with me.
&uot;Why is lakeshore property so expensive in Hartland?&uot;
There is no lake.
&uot;Did your parents ever ground you?&uot;
No, that would have meant that they would have had me around all of the time.
&uot;My dog has ticks.
How can I get rid of them?&uot;
Stop winding your dog.
&uot;Have you ever put your shoes on the wrong feet?&uot;
No, I’ve always put them on my feet.
(Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear Wednesdays and Sundays.)