By Al Batt, Tribune columnist

Here’s the latest news from Hartland Harold, fresh off his lips.

Sheep that followed Mary to school each day graduates as class valedictorian.

Local pub offers T-shirt lettered, &uot;My liver is evil; I must punish it.&uot;

Bath Garbage Removal Service allows anyone to take what they wish from the garbage cans.

The Really Big Shoe Store closes after worms were found in its Earth Shoes.

The sign near Bath reads, &uot;Lots for Sale.&uot; Lots of what, nobody knows.

Bald Eagle snatches man’s toupee.

Man’s wife says it was a really bad hairpiece.

New SUV offered at Belcher Motors gets great gas footage.

Local golfer, Wayne Dwops, shoots the same score as Tiger Woods.

Wayne did in 4 holes what it took Tiger 18 holes to do.

Outhouse tipped over.

Plumber called.

Local man hit by handbag.

He is believed to be yet another victim of the mummy’s purse.

Will the person who lost the large roll of hundred dollar bills please contact Hugh Midity.

Hugh has found your rubber band.

Bath raises its terror alert level from &uot;run&uot; to &uot;hide.&uot;

Used tombstone for sale.

Best suited for someone named Johnson.

Giant zucchini runs amuck in Hartland.

Locals have named it, &uot;Sasquash.&uot;

Local man drowns in vat of berries.

It is believed that he was pulled in by a strong currant.

Man raised on mouse milk is eaten by a cat.

Development along sewage ponds will offer a breathtaking view to homeowners.

Furniture store to hold regional musical chairs competition.

Local police decide to arrest everyone driving down a certain sidewalk on Saturday night. Protestors claim that police are showing favoritism to those who do not drive down sidewalks.

Hugh Mungus begins new diet plan.

He will attempt to keep his chin up and that will keep his mouth closed.

The Hartland Rest Stop, the only rest area in the state that is located on a gravel road, features the Olivia Newton John.

Elvis Presley not spotted again this year in Hartland.

Local fair board plants Budweiser in beer garden.

Hartland Fitness Club offers class guaranteed to make participants strong enough to open snack food packages.

Hartland Travel Agency offers tours to Freeborn, Geneva and New Richland.

Chickens take to the stage during poultry slam.

The Annual Prune Festival parade is the fastest ever.

Street department installs POTS sign backwards.

The City of Bath relaxes after outsourcing everything to India.

Man walks into light pole. He blames the accident on having had his driver’s license revoked.

Bath Fire Department gets defibrillator. This will replace their old method of delivering an electric shock to revive a heart attack victim.

It consisted of dragging the victim across a

carpet and then touching his finger to a doorknob.

Blessed are the cheese makers for they are the curds and the whey.

Call the Hartland Sod Farm before you have your next yard sale.

Local man takes something for his kleptomania.

The Elvis Presley stamp balloons to 45 cents.

Officials refuse to divulge the location of the new Paranoia Center.

Hartland College offers a course in hitchhiking for people who are all thumbs.

Eat at the Cafe-on-a-Stick and no one will ever push you around again.

At least not without a forklift.

Man arrested for selling left-handed cigarettes and time shares in the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Man tackled outside the Hartland Bait and Tackle Shop.

Alley Oop Lanes offers for sale a crystal ball bowling ball that will let you know your score before you even roll the ball.

Suspected hold-up victim turns out to be a man who mistakenly used hairspray instead of underarm deodorant.

The Hartland Medical Clinic, Video Rental and Window Tinting offers a low-priced HMO.

The HMO requires its members to search for coins behind the cushions of the furniture in the clinic waiting room.

Highway Department closes road for spite.

Water color class to be held at the Hartland Art Class.

Participants should bring their own box of colors.

Narcoleptics Anonymous to meet at local coffee shop.

Township road appears on &uot;Antiques Road Show.&uot;

Missing link found in local sausage factory.

Foggy weather ends.

It won’t be mist.

French fry factory opens in Hartland.

Owner says that it’s just small potatoes.

Roads go unpaved due to shortage of good intentions.

A 500-pound gorilla escapes from zoo and sits anywhere it wants.

Pill & Bill Drug Store holds sale on laxatives. Everything must go.

Local laundromat begins offering sock insurance.

The Hartland School of Culinary Physics declares that any food eaten while walking contains no calories.

Oprah goes on an all-SPAM diet.

9Hartland resident Al Batt writes a column for the Tribune each Wednesday and Sunday.)