Readers ask such intelligent questions. I, in turn, provide idiotic answers.

&uot;What is your definition of a diet?&uot; It’s a short period of starvation preceding a gain of 5 pounds.

&uot;What is lefse?&uot; White dinner napkins that are used when serving lutefisk.

&uot;My kids won’t fall asleep when I read them bedtime stories. What can I do?&uot;

Start each of your stories with, &uot;Now when I was your age…&uot;

&uot;Do birds of a feather really flock together?&uot; Yes, members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.

&uot;My son is such a procrastinator. Will he ever amount to anything?&uot; Just wait.

&uot;Will this country ever win the war on poverty?&uot; Not until all the poor people surrender.

&uot;What is the secret to fasting?&uot; Make sure you eat regularly.

&uot;Do you ever do any photography projects?&uot; Yes, they are called &uot;pictures I took just to use up the rest of the film.&uot;

&uot;What causes earth to spin?&uot; Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

&uot;Are you writing a book?&uot; Yes, I already have the page numbers done.

&uot;Did you really sweep your wife off her feet?&uot; Yes. She says it was the last time I’ve ever touched a broom.

&uot;Have you traveled a lot?&uot; Not nearly as much as my luggage.

&uot;What is perjury?&uot; A jury for cats.

&uot;What is the shelf-life of a Twinkie?&uot; It’s longer than the shelf.

&uot;Do you have a dress code?&uot; Yes. If it’s a casual gathering, socks are not required. If it’s a semiformal occasion, two socks are required. For a formal bash, both socks must match.

&uot;What is the purpose of armpits?&uot; To keep your hamburger warm while you’re talking on a cell phone.

&uot;My name is Doris and I’m wondering when my ship will come in?&uot; Don’t worry.

Every Doris has her day.

&uot;What’s the Minnesota state song?&uot; Freeze a jolly good fellow.

&uot;How do I get my family to visit me at Christmas?&uot; Send them each an unsigned check as a Christmas gift.

&uot;What causes wisdom teeth?&uot; Biting off more than you can chew.

&uot;I heard there was a kangaroo sighted around Hartland. Is this true?&uot; No, it was just a Norwegian with his 5-buckle overshoes buckled together.

&uot;My chicken coughs. What’s wrong with it?&uot; Sounds like it has a chicken bone in its throat.

&uot;What causes a tornado?&uot; Tornadoes are caused by the sport of extreme leaf-blowing.

&uot;Are you good at woodworking?&uot; I would be, but I was born with an excessive number of thumbs.

&uot;What is a pimple on the nose called?&uot; A Rudolph.

&uot;What did your wife say when you asked her to marry you?&uot; She didn’t say &uot;yes&uot; and she didn’t say &uot;no.&uot; She said, &uot;Get out of here before I call a cop!&uot;

&uot;Have you ever thought of moving out of Minnesota?&uot; You mean that we’re free to leave?

&uot;How can I tell if a bran cereal is any good?&uot; The good ones come with a magazine.

&uot;How can you tell who the glamour girls are in Hartland?&uot; They are the ones wearing shoes.

&uot;What does it mean if the black belt of the woolly bear caterpillar is wider than usual?&uot; It means that the woolly bear is a karate expert.

&uot;What is a husband’s definition of listening?&uot; Waiting to talk.

&uot;If you could be a bird, what kind would you be?&uot;

A crow. I’ve always wondered what skunk tastes like.

&uot;What does ‘Minnesota’ mean?&uot; It’s an old Heckowi name meaning, &uot;vast selection of soft drinks.&uot;

&uot;Who wrote &uot;Breakfast at Tiffany’s,&uot; &uot;In Cold Blood&uot; and chases roadrunners?&uot; Wile E. Capote.

&uot;Did Dracula have ticks?&uot; He was a regular tick magnet.

&uot;How did the covered wagon trains know when they were in California?&uot; They were hit by another covered wagon train.

&uot;Do you think a groundhog can really forecast how long winter will last?&uot; If a rodent can bring us more spring, I think we should support it.

&uot;What are hot dogs really made of?&uot; They are made from animal parts that the animal wasn’t sad to lose.

(Hartland resident Al Batt writes a column for the Tribune each Wednesday and Sunday.)