Readers ask the best questions. I provide the worst answers.

&uot;Why do squirrels run in front of cars?&uot; It’s part of the hazing that is required for a squirrel to join a fraternity.

&uot;Of all the columns I read, yours is one of them.&uot; Thank you.

I’m undeserving of such high praise.

“Is it easy being a columnist?” No. There’s only so much that you can pretend to be doing.

“What is a whatchamacallit?” It’s a doohickey, thingamabob, doodad, a what’sit, gizmo, thingamajig or a how-you-call-it.

&uot;Are you superficial?&uot; Only on the surface.

&uot;How can I tell if there is a rattlesnake in my refrigerator?&uot; There will be fang marks on the milk carton.

&uot;Do you feel that flying is the safest way to travel?&uot; Flying is extremely safe. It’s the crashing

part that is dangerous.

&uot;I thought you were in your 30s?&uot; I was.

&uot;I’ll bet your wife doesn’t get much work out of you. Have you ever even used a toilet brush?&uot; I used a toilet brush once.

It hurt. I’ve gone back to using toilet paper.

&uot;I see buckets hanging from maple trees. Is that to make maple syrup?&uot; No, that’s mandatory drug testing.

&uot;How do you know when you have a good idea for a column?&uot;

My lobotomy scar throbs.

It’s great! &uot;What’s it like being a psychic?&uot;

&uot;I feel like a pack of cards. Can you help me?&uot; I’ll deal with you later.

&uot;What did your father want you to do in life?&uot; When I graduated from high school, Dad told me,

&uot;Go to college, go to work or go to the army. The key word is ‘go.’&uot;

&uot;What is the zip code for Hartland?&uot; E-I-E-I-O.

&uot;What is a brain scan?&uot; It’s what you do when you can’t remember why you’ve walked into a room.

&uot;What’s the best thing to get a cat out of a tree?&uot; Thunder.

&uot;What is different about Minnesotans?&uot; Most everyone else considers 32 degrees to be freezing.

&uot;I saw a pelican right in the middle of a large city. What kind was it?&uot; A Metropelican.

&uot;What’s the hardest thing about moving?&uot; Pretending you like someone just so you could use their truck.

&uot;Where do birds meet for coffee?&uot; At the nest-cafe.

&uot;What do you get when you put a bird in the freezer?&uot; A brrrrd.

&uot;What state do you live in?&uot; The state of bewilderment.

&uot;What is the best way to look at a demolition derby?&uot; Through a kaleidoscope.

&uot;Whatever happened to the 7 Dwarfs?&uot; Sleepy was diagnosed with narcolepsy. Dopey is in a drug rehab program. Grumpy is being treated for depression. Sneezy discovered that the cause of his allergies was Snow White’s cheap, knock-off perfume. Happy went to work for the airlines and became Grumpy. Doc lost his medical license for giving steroids to Barry Bonds. Bashful hasn’t been seen for years. Snow White continues to struggle with her Cinderella complex.

&uot;What are the people who live in Hartland called?&uot; Residents of Hartland.

&uot;What constitutes winter clothing in Hawaii?&uot; Dark shorts.

&uot;How come you don’t have cable TV?&uot; I had it once. I was watching the Discovery Channel, but I thought it was the Home Shopping Network. I bought an aardvark. That’s why I don’t have cable.

&uot;I was in school with you. You told me that algebra was dangerous. What were you thinking?&uot; Haven’t you ever heard of weapons of math destruction?

&uot;What is your favorite kind of nut?&uot; I can never remember the name, so I call them forget-me-nuts.

&uot;What is the secret of everlasting power?&uot; A back-up generator.

&uot;How old are you?&uot; I’m plenty-nine.

&uot;Can you speak Russian?&uot; I don’t know. I’ve never tried.

&uot;What is your definition of a bikini?&uot; It’s five percent cotton and 95 percent woman.

&uot;Why are diets so popular in this country?&uot; It’s because the U.S. has become a vast waist land.

&uot;What is an extended weather forecast?&uot; That’s where a weatherman stretches his imagination.

&uot;What do you think of long-range weather forecasts?&uot; They are horoscopes with numbers.

&uot;If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?&uot; It depends whether the vacuum is on or not.

&uot;Why is Thanksgiving in November?&uot; Because if it were any later, Minnesotans wouldn’t be able to thaw their turkeys.

&uot;Who was Zirconia?&uot; She was the ancient goddess of costume jewelry.

&uot;How do you prevent a summer cold?&uot; Catch it during the winter.

&uot;I saw someone throw a large soft drink bottle out of a car window. What do you call someone like that?&uot; A liter bug.

(Hartland resident Al Batt writes a column for the Tribune each Wednesday and Sunday.)