&uot;Can’t we just get this thing over with?&uot;

No, you have to listen to the graduation speaker.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker invariably tells students dressed in identical caps and gowns that being an individual is the key to success in life.

Students will hear that they can never go home again. This is not true. We can go home again. We just won’t be able to get into the house.

That’s because our parents will have changed the locks.

And if we do get inside the house, our parents will insist on treating us like we are 8 years old. We will always be their babies.

Graduates will be told that what comes next is up to them. That won’t be entirely true. What comes next is a combination of many things. If it was all up to us, horoscopes wouldn’t be so popular. There will be reminders of great achievers and achievements of great reminders.

Graduates will be urged to never stop learning. That’s a good thing as they will definitely never stop forgetting.

Graduates do not typically listen to the speaker.

As long as you promise not to listen to me, I will pass along some things that I have learned through a process of tactical errors. If we learn from our mistakes, I should be a genius of Einstein-like proportions. I am more than willing to give you advice because I masquerade as an adult.

Nearly every adult fancies himself a graduation speaker of such talent that he is capable of changing the world.

I am a battle-tested pundit who is eager to preach to bored youngsters who would rather be downloading music illegally from the Internet.

I feel exceptionally well-qualified to do so because I am a former member of the school patrol and I was once crumb boy on cookie day. OK, the whole school monitor thing didn’t work out for me, but without failures there could be no successes.

Going forth into a challenging real world isn’t for sissies. Watching reality TV should have taught you that by now.

Don’t worry if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. You may never know.

It’s important to get a job that is within easy driving distance of a Starbucks. And one that is within easy walking distance of a restroom.

Find a good parking place. Don’t let it out of your sight.

Common sense is uncommon. Nonsense and no sense are common.

Count your blessings, but only if you can do it humbly.

Do the occasional thing that scares you. It fosters growth.

Being kind is much more important than being right.

Being right is much more important than being wrong.

Forget insults and remember compliments. You’re better off trying to carry a garage than carrying a grudge.

You will not think of the right thing to say until it is too late.

You will always be able to think of the wrong thing to say.

Pack lightly.

Vote.

It’s OK to be a dork. As a matter-of-fact, it’s recommended.

Reality shows aren’t real. Sitcoms aren’t sits or coms.

Always keep the shower curtain inside the tub when you shower. One of the Hiltons from the

hotel chain of the same name said that.

If the telephone rings at 6 PM, somebody wants something.

If the telephone rings at 3 a.m.,

pray that it’s a wrong number.

You will make mistakes, but don’t worry about them. That’s why we learn to blame others.

Unbreakable isn’t.

Neither is stain-resistant or permanently-pressed.

Floss. If you don’t, you’ll be forced to lie to your dentist.

Read at least one newspaper every day. Better yet, read two.

You will never know everything. You will never even suspect everything.

Don’t read any magazines or watch any TV that makes you feel inadequate.

Never reveal the ending of a movie.

No matter what you do, not everyone will like you, but don’t worry about what people think of

you. They’re not thinking of you.

Open the door for others.

Be kind to animals.

Watch sunsets.

Call your mother, respect your elders and listen to your parents. You will be glad you did.

Read an instruction manual.

Realize that everything will go up in price.

Life isn’t fair. You don’t get what you deserve. That’s probably a good thing.

Just remember that life is a contradiction.

Or maybe it isn’t.

(Hartland resident Al Batt writes a column for the Tribune each Wednesday and Sunday.)