Readers ask great questions.

&uot;What exactly are alkaline batteries?&uot; They are batteries named after the old Detroit Tiger outfielder, Al Kaline.

&uot;Do you become annoyed with people who answer their own questions?

I know I do.&uot; I didn’t until now.

&uot;What is the oddest bird call?&uot; It’s probably the rare bird that is found in only two counties in California. It eats nothing but radishes and its song is a &uot;Pardon me.&uot;

&uot;Why does my underwear last so long?&uot; Because it’s never worn out.

&uot;Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?&uot; Because its head is far from its body.

&uot;What is the chief cause of insanity?&uot; I’m not sure, but I think it might be cars.

I’m always hearing of people being driven insane.

&uot;When I bake cookies, they always turn out gray in color. What should I do?&uot;

Wash your hands first.

&uot;What is your favorite work of science fiction?&uot; Almost any autobiography.

&uot;I see ticks that are jumping around in the grass.

What are they?&uot; Nervous ticks.

&uot;I am unable to take a nap. Any advice?&uot; You’d better learn how before you are jailed for resisting a rest.

&uot;What is lutefisk?&uot; Proof that the world was once populated with aliens from other planets.

&uot;How much do 2000 mockingbirds weigh?&uot; Two kilomockingbirds.

&uot;Do you know the best way for a guy to impress a girl at the gym?&uot; Do pull-ups–pull up in a Corvette, pull up in a Rolls Royce, pull up in a Cadillac.

&uot;What was your first written piece that was read by a lot of people?&uot; It would have to be the &uot;Kick me&uot; sign I put on Tommy’s back in the 3rd grade.

&uot;Why do you warn people not to put birdseed into their shoes?&uot; Because they might become pigeon toed.

&uot;Any gardening advice for me?&uot; Yes, give peas a chance.

&uot;What is the proper response to ‘Good morning’?&uot; Prove it.

&uot;What is the most common weather report in Minnesota?&uot; It could be worse.

&uot;What is a wine snob?&uot; It’s someone who can tell whether it’s red or white wine just by looking at the bottle.

&uot;I think I hear opportunity knocking, but when I answer the door, there’s never anyone there.

What’s going on?&uot; It could be fate giving you a noogie.

&uot;Why isn’t panhandling allowed in Indiana?&uot; It’s because beggars can’t be choosers.

&uot;What exactly is a township?&uot; It’s a houseboat that has grown up.

&uot;Have you ever heard of a diet that really works?&uot; Yes, my neighbor is on one where he eats while listening to Michael Bolton sing. He says that makes it impossible to keep food down.

&uot;What do you do for fun in Hartland?&uot; We do a citywide wave every other Tuesday.

&uot;What’s the first thing you know?&uot; Old Jeb’s a millionaire.

&uot;What is the best container to catch fish in?&uot; A peli-can.

&uot;What is formal attire in Hartland?&uot; Shoes with laces that are tied.

&uot;What happens when a fox gets into the chicken house?&uot; You end up with poultry in commotion.

&uot;Why do crows sit on telephone wires?&uot; They are attempting to make long distance caws.

&uot;Do they raise cotton in Indiana?&uot; Yes. You’ve probably heard that Muncie is the route of boll weevils.

&uot;Should we really wear clean underwear just in case we are in an accident?&uot; No. Wear clean underwear in case something scares the pants off you.

&uot;Why is the restaurant in Bath called the Pelican Club?&uot; You’ll know why when you see the size of your bill.

&uot;My pet snail ran into the electric fence. It acts weird. Do you think it will be okay?&uot;

It’s likely just suffering from shell-shock.

&uot;I talk to myself.

How can I stop?&uot; Keep telling yourself to stop talking to yourself.

&uot;Have you ever had a drought in Hartland?&uot; One year it was so hot and dry that I was sweating dust. It was so dry the bullheads had ticks. Water skiers raised clouds of dust.

Tobacco chewers had to prime themselves in order to spit.

Firefighters threw buckets of dust on a fire.

&uot;Why does the man holding a loaf of bread wait at the intersection in downtown Hartland?&uot; He’s waiting for a traffic jam.

&uot;My neighbor owes me $500, but I have no proof of that and he doesn’t admit to it. What should I do?” Write him a nasty letter asking him for the $1000 he owes you.

He’ll reply that it’s only $500 and then you’ll have the proof that he owes you the $500.

(Hartland resident Al Batt writes a column for the Tribune each Wednesday and Sunday.)