Column: Headlines in Hartland reveal the lighter side of small-town life

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, March 1, 2006

Al Batt, Tales from Exit 22

Here are the latest headlines from Hartland Harold, Hartland’s two-legged, living, breathing newspaper.

East Hartland Cafe’s waffles are selling like hotcakes.

The cafe offers no doggie bags, but they are happy to provide you with a photo of your leftovers.

The biggest day at the West Hartland Department Store is the day they change the clothes on the mannequins.

Hartland’s morning rush hour goes from 7 to 10 a.m.

The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7 p.m., except on Fridays, when it begins Thursday morning.

Child leaves door of house open and all the snow in the county melts.

The New Hartland Barbershop sells dandruff for use as fertilizer.

The biggest flakes will produce the biggest flowers.

The Second Cheapest Restaurant In Town opens in North Hartland for those frugal folks who don’t want to be thought of as being cheap.

Scratch-and-sniff garbage cans prove popular with raccoons.

East Hartland Bar and Medical Clinic drinks to your health.

Sarah Dippity’s Beauty Boutique offers nose hair perms at half-price.

West Hartland Book Club meets every Tuesday to discuss why no one read the book.

The Bath Convention & Visitors Bureau says, &8220;Visit Bath and put the future behind you.&8221;

Parrot stops talking and sends e-mails instead.

Maxine Maxout leaves the husband who complained about her weight for her aerobics instructor.

Karaoke Bank is sold for a song.

Artificial sweeteners found to cause artificial fat.

The New Hartland Memory Clinic specializes in teaching students how to remember passwords.

The Grab & Growl Cafe offers elixirs from The Grapes of Wrath Winery.

Local plastic surgeon invites people to celebrate New Ears’ Day.

Carpenter’s son sent off to boarding school.

Camouflage Store advertises, &8220;Wise guise.&8221;

Shoe Shine Stand opens at the East Hartland Inconvenience Store.

It offers a grand opening special, &8220;One shoe shined absolutely free.&8221;

Fit To Be Towed Towing Co. claims, &8220;Call us at any hour. We’re always on our tows.&8221;

Village Dry Cleaners has relocated next door to St. Joseph’s Church. After March 1, cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Tremors continue for days after earthquake strikes bobblehead doll factory in North Hartland.

Fuel’s Paradise, Too gas station closes after &8220;Free refills&8221; promotion fails.

Hell freezes over as fuel prices continue to rise.

Those passengers getting off the train in Hartland should watch their step as the train does not stop in Hartland.

West Hartland Snuff Co. puts its business in other people’s noses.

Local ice fisherman admits that he’d rather be working.

Bakery sells health food doughnuts. Each features only one sprinkle.

Local business replaces employee health insurance with good luck charms.

East Hartland Rake Manufacturing Co. falls on hard tines.

New Hartland Waterbed Shop is your vinyl resting place.

Would the person who lost a fat roll of hundred dollar bills, wrapped in a rubber band, please report to the Lost & Found Department of Maul Mart. We found your rubber band.

The figures in the report saying that 23 percent of people are not capable of figuring percentages are proven incorrect.

Where Are We? Tours offers a bus tour of Hartland for $5.

There is a deluxe $10 tour offered also. The only difference is that during the $10 tour, the bus windows are closed when the bus drives by the sewage pond. Travel expert advises travelers to avoid any tours advertising free ammo.

Local smoker arrested for kicking the habit when nun presses charges.

Newspaper columnist from Hartland pens book titled, &8220;How to Lose Weight by Reading Diet Books.&8221;

Local Audubon member performs Heimlich Maneuver on opossum.

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

The Second National Bank of Bath offers bobblehead dolls of its loan officers.

The dolls’ heads shake &8220;no.&8221;

Mathematics teachers call retirement &8220;the aftermath.&8221;

Maul Mart reports that their elevator is out of whack, but more whack is on order.

Post office spokesperson explains that the wet mail was caused by postage dew.

Bath City Council decides on multi-story library to hold all the books.

Local medical clinic featured on The Under The Weather Channel.

Frankenstein boy claims that his homework ate his dog.

The West Hartland Militia buys 20 septic tanks. As soon as they figure out how to drive them, they plan to invade Freeborn.

North Hartland Cafe will not be putting ice in its water for the next two weeks while its owner is on vacation. It seems he took the recipe for ice with him.

( Hartland resident Al Batt’s column runs Wednesday and Sunday.)