Column: Coffee not his cup of tea and diet has fat chance

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, August 9, 2006

Al Batt, Tales from Exit 22

Once again it&8217;s time for me to make a feeble attempt to answer some of the wonderful questions passed onto me by the delightful readers of this column.

&8220;Why on all the old westerns was the doctor&8217;s office on the second floor?&8221; Starbucks paid a higher rent for the street-level location.

&8220;Is it true that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows?&8221; Yes, they&8217;re called dandelions.

&8220;Are you on the cutting edge when it comes to gadgets?&8221; I guess so. I have e-mail, a cell phone, and I use nuclear weapons to hunt.

&8220;What are the northern lights?&8221; They are a sign of continued nuclear testing being done by the Hartland Township officers.

&8220;Why do I have to cut my fingernails?&8221; To keep them from getting out of hand.

&8220;Why did you retire from playing softball?&8221; I got tired of the seventh-inning stretchers.

&8220;What was the Norman Conquest?&8221; It was something that was actually the Allen Conquest, but Norman stole the credit.

&8220;Are women able to read men&8217;s minds?&8221; Yes, but their lips move while they do it.

&8220;I am a coin collector. Does that sound like a good hobby to you?&8221; It makes cents to me.

&8220;What exactly is a cocoon?&8221; It&8217;s a caterpillar going through a midlife chrysalis.

&8220;What makes one a soothsayer?&8221; The ability to say the word &8220;sooth.&8221;

&8220;Is Hartlandese difficult to learn?&8221; It is so difficult, that many Hartlanders have taken a vow of silence.

&8220;How tall are you?&8221; Life has beaten me down to a little over 6 feet 4 inches.

&8220;You write about critters a lot. How come?&8221; I never have to worry about misquoting them.

&8220;Were you ever an exchange student?&8221; Almost. My teachers tried to exchange me for a smart one.

&8220;Do you have a green thumb?&8221; Do I? You should see what&8217;s growing in the back of my

refrigerator.

&8220;How did you become a columnist?&8221; I used to do odd jobs part-time. Eventually, I got a full-time odd job.

&8220;How has the value of the dollar changed during your lifetime?&8221; It hasn&8217;t. It still takes 100 cents to make a dollar.

&8220;Why is there a toilet bowl on Main Street in Hartland?&8221; It&8217;s a Redneck Wishing Well.

&8220;You have said that you played basketball, football and baseball in school. Why didn&8217;t you

wrestle?&8221; I didn&8217;t want to get hit by a chair.

&8220;Why do people like living in the past?&8221; It&8217;s cheaper there.

&8220;Why don&8217;t you drink coffee?&8221; It&8217;s not my cup of tea.

&8220;Are you good at tying your shoes?&8221; Knot bad.

&8220;Why is Turtle Wax so expensive?&8221;

Because turtles have such tiny ears.

&8220;You wrote that you are a Luddite? What is a Luddite?&8221; It&8217;s a person who luds.

&8220;Why can&8217;t I lose weight?&8221; It&8217;s not your fault. The universe is expanding.

&8220;What is the name of Santa&8217;s wife?&8221; I think it&8217;s Santa Monica.

&8220;What chance do I have of my diet working?&8221; Fat.

&8220;What is a cow&8217;s cud?&8221; It&8217;s deja chew.

&8220;How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?&8221;

If you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.

&8220;What does golf stand for?&8221; It&8217;s an acronym for &8220;Going Out Looking Funny.&8221;

&8220;What side of the porcupine is the sharpest?&8221; The outside.

&8220;What is your investment strategy?&8221; It involves the use of a metal detector.

&8220;Why do we have two small nostrils instead of just one big one?&8221; It keeps us from inhaling birds.

&8220;What did Shakespeare die of?&8221; Bard flu.

&8220;Do you have a paperless office?&8221; No, but I sometimes have a paperless restroom.

&8220;How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?&8221; As many as you can afford.

&8220;What is feng shui?&8221; It&8217;s an ancient Chinese art wherein a wife puts all of her husband&8217;s stuff in the garage.

&8220;If you played Major League Baseball player and had the choice of a theme song to be played as you walked to the plate, what would the song be the song you&8217;d choose?&8221; I&8217;d pick The Star-Spangled Banner. That way everyone would have to stand up every time I came to bat.

&8220;I saw a creature flying at dusk that appeared to have holes in its wings.

What could it be?&8221; A whiffle bat.

&8220;Where do you think I&8217;ll be when my ship comes in?&8221; At the airport.

&8220;Will situps keep me from getting a little soft around the middle?&8221; Probably not. When you

exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing situps if you want a bigger stomach.

(Hartland resident Al Batt&8217;s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.)