Column: Why does a raincoat say Dry Clean Only?

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, March 19, 2008

By Al Battt, Tales from Exit 22

If sunlight is harmful to Dracula, why isn&8217;t moonlight, which is reflected sunlight?

Why isn&8217;t there a League of Men Voters?

Email newsletter signup

What is the name for that crusty gunk that forms at the top of a ketchup bottle?

I have never gone to a shoe store and bought just one shoe. Shouldn&8217;t they be called shoes stores instead of shoe stores?

How does the aspirin know where I ache?

Does it make any sense my raincoat says, &8220;Dry Clean Only&8221;?

There are dollar stores of various kinds everywhere. Have they become a dime a dozen?

I&8217;ve learned

If I&8217;m looking for a comfortable pair of shoes, I check out the same kind the sales clerk is wearing.

There can be no obedience school for cats &8212; because there would be no graduates.

Unless you pump septic tanks for a living, people are going to stick their noses in your business.

As I read about the presidential and vice presidential candidates, I am amazed how well the jobs they are paid to do function without them.

The news from Plumb Nearly

We join the married couple in the little house that is plumb out in the boondocks and nearly to the county line.

&8220;It strikes me, dear, that it is a waste of good time to make the bed each day. Why do more than pull up the covers of a bed you are going to crawl back into that night?&8221;

&8220;You&8217;re probably right. You&8217;re going to think you are whether you are or not. If so, it&8217;s no use for me to fix breakfast &8212; because you&8217;re just going to be hungry again at noon.&8221;

&8220;Maybe so.

I&8217;ll make the bed. This is just more evidence that a dog is truly man&8217;s best friend.&8221;

&8220;How can you say that? We&8217;ve been married nearly 40 years.&8221;

&8220;A simple experiment would prove it.&8221;

&8220;What kind of experiment?&8221;

&8220;All I would have to do is to lock you and my dog in a closet for an hour. When I opened the closet door, we&8217;d see which one of you would be the happiest to see me.&8221;

Ask Al

The customers of this column are the smartest people on earth. They ask the best questions. I answer them the best I am able.

&8220;What do you look for when you go into an antique shop?&8221; The exit.

&8220;Do you think The Weather Channel has made a difference in our lives?&8221; Sure, it made weather louder.

&8220;What does a bride drag behind her in the church?&8221; The groom.

&8220;How do you write your column?&8221; I start with 1,000 monkeys and then add 1,000 typewriters.

&8220;Where could I travel to where they still like Americans?&8221; Parts of Iowa.

&8220;Does your car have seat warmers?&8221; You bet. Only on the model I drive, it&8217;s called a &8220;rear defroster.&8221;

&8220;When is the best time to go to the Twin Cities if I&8217;d like to avoid heavy traffic?&8221; 1960.

&8220;What do you call someone who finished last in his class in medical school?&8221; Doctor.

&8220;How far do you live from town?&8221; I am four to 10 miles from town, depending on how fast I drive.

&8220;Can you name the capital of Wyoming?&8221; Why, thank you. That&8217;s quite an honor. I&8217;ll name the city,


&8220;What did you usually get on your report card?&8221; Tears.

&8220;Why do so many parents buy their children iPods?&8221; If they didn&8217;t, they&8217;d have to listen to their youngsters&8217; music aloud.

The headlines from Hartland Harold

Hartland does not have its own newspaper, but we do have Hartland Harold. He is a walking newspaper. Here are some recent headlines according to Hartland Harold.

Man invents milk carton that opens on either side.

It&8217;s Sing and Duck Night at the Local Bar as karaoke and darts take place at the same time.

All daily flights at Hartland International Airport are departures.

Local inventor Pat Pending devises a combination iPod/Pacemaker for the person with a song in his or her heart.

Large crowd gathered for Slinky races at the escalator.

Local group starts a campaign to move the nation&8217;s capital to Hartland. If it can&8217;t get that, it would like the state capital. Failing to get that, it would like to be left alone.

Man removes unwanted plants from Crimea River. He loves weeding a good brook.

Prune Festival parade moves quickly.

Dodge wins demolition derby.

Acupuncturist pins down ailments.

The prices at the Cheap Mart are so low, you&8217;ll be ashamed to be seen in the store.

In conclusion

Grandma had a cure for warts. She&8217;d cut a potato in half, rub the inside of the tater on the wart, and then bury the potato.

She had crummy health insurance.

Hartland resident Al Batt&8217;s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.