By Michael Brunner, Guest Column

Editor&8217;s note: This is the second of four columns on Mental Health Month.

We all want our children to grow up to become healthy adults, both physically and emotionally. While most people are aware that it is important to eat right and exercise to be physically healthy, people typically know less about what it takes to develop emotional health. Healthy habits begin in childhood. This is true with regard to physical and emotional health.

One of the most important things that children can learn is how to self-soothe or calm down.

Parents can teach children how to do this.

Parents know when children are upset.

Children often show their distress by crying or, worse still, throwing a fit. They might be &8220;naughty&8221; &8212; doing something that they know they are not allowed to do. They might even hit or kick someone, their parent, a brother or sister, or someone else.

All of these behaviors cause parents frustration, and a frequent response is to yell at or punish children. Parents expect that through punishment, children will stop doing the behavior that was causing the problem. Sometimes punishment works and the behavior stops. Sometimes it doesn&8217;t work and the behavior might even get worse. While all parents want kids to stop doing things that cause problems, parents also want their children to learn how to calm themselves down.

There are things that parents can do to help children when they are upset, and parents can set the stage for healthy emotional development by how they respond to behavior problems. Here&8217;s an example and some things a parent could do to help a child who is upset. It&8217;s early in the evening just before the nighttime meal. Five-year-old Bobby was up late last night and he&8217;s tired and he&8217;s been fussy all day.

He&8217;s watching TV with his sister when suddenly an argument breaks out between them and soon both kids are fighting &8212; screaming &8212; over the remote and who gets to decide which show they should watch.

Bobby hits his sister and pulls her hair and when his mother steps in, Bobby is too angry to calm himself down.

What&8217;s a parent to do?

The first thing is to help both kids calm down, and Bobby in particular. A good first step with Bobby is to separate him from the source of his frustration &8212; his sister and the television. Once Bobby is separated, it is a good idea to get him focused on calming down. He will want to talk about how it wasn&8217;t his fault or how his sister started the problem, but it is important to emphasize that the only thing that will be discussed right now is what he needs to do to calm down. Ask him if he can calm down himself or if he needs help.

It is quite all right to give him some suggestions if he wants help calming down. It is best to talk to him with a gentle tone of voice, with love, but with firmness. Bobby needs to know that he can count on his parent to help him calm down and learn how to do this himself in the future.

After Bobby calms down, which could take a few minutes to much longer, it is important to give Bobby the opportunity to talk about what happened. If he is like many children, he&8217;ll tell you how he didn&8217;t do anything wrong and that his sister is 100 percent to blame. After he is done telling his side, ask Bobby if he has anything else to add, and when he is sure that he is done, let him know that it&8217;s your time to talk. First, tell him that he&8217;s done a great job calming down and talking about what made him so upset. Let him know that you understand him and in what ways you agree with him. Then, let him know how and why you disagree with some of what he said and did. Tell him what you saw or heard him do and how it was not appropriate. Clearly state what he can and cannot do (for example, &8220;Bobby, it is never OK to pull your sister&8217;s hair.&8221;), and give him one or two ideas about what to do in the future. It is important that Bobby accept responsibility for what he did wrong. Last, have Bobby &8220;make it right&8221; &8212; this might mean that he apologizes to his sister or does something else as a consequence for disrupting the family.

There are two goals when helping children work through problems. The immediate goal is to help children calm down, resolve the problem, and learn skills to better deal with the problem situation the next time. The longer term and perhaps more important goal is to help children develop confidence in their ability to self-soothe, which also helps them learn that they can work through strong feelings and ultimately regulate their emotions. Children learn best how to regulate and express their emotions in their relationships with loving, supportive caregivers. Parents and guardians can foster children&8217;s confidence in themselves by spending time with them and helping them learn not only how to calm down, but also how good it feels to be able to do so.

Spending time and emotional energy with children as they learn to negotiate problems in their lives is like making an investment in their future. Not only will children grow closer and be more receptive to learning from those who love and spend time with them, but they will also develop the confidence and skills to succeed in the future.

They&8217;ll also feel better about themselves, and this is good for everyone.

Michael Brunner, Ph.D., licensed psychologist

practices at the Albert Lea Medical Center. He is the president of the Minnesota Psychological Association. He is a member of the Children&8217;s Mental Health Subcommittee of the Freeborn County Family Services Collaborative and the Freeborn County Thrive Initiative, an action team dedicated to healthy social and emotional development and mental health in children in their earliest years.

Quick Tips:

Here are some things that parents can do when children have problems with their behavior or emotions:

Talk calmly, avoid raising your voice.

Give clear instructions about behaviors that need to change.

Separate your child from the situation that was creating the distress.

Emphasize the importance of calming down.

Help your child calm down.

Give your child the chance to share his or her side of the story.

Teach your child to remain quiet and listen when you share your perspective.

Focus on behaviors &8212; what your child is doing &8212; rather than labeling behavior as bad or good, right or wrong.

Praise your child for calming down and talking about problems.

Clearly identify problem behaviors that need to change.

Have your child identify things that he or she will do differently next time.

Ensure that your child sincerely apologizes and accept responsibility for the problem behavior.

Repeat, repeat, repeat &8212; new behaviors take time and practice to master.