Here’s a look in the rearview mirror to see what happened last month.

May 3 was Lumpy Rug Day, May 9 was Lost Sock Memorial Day, and May 14 was Dance Like A Chicken Day.

After the final bit of snow and ice melts, we need to get out and share our winter war stories. We attempt to enthrall others with tales of epic colds and flu that lasted forever, how many times our driveway was cleared of snow, and when the last day long underwear was worn.

Then comes May. It rides in like the cavalry. The sun is higher in the sky, and daylight stays longer. Songbirds brighten the day with beautiful plumages and songs. Greenhouses display plants and tomatoes go into the ground.

We no more than think of spring than spring causes us to think of summer. We can’t help it. We don’t get as much good weather as we desire. Two good days in a row is an unexpected bonus.

What happened in May?

Men’s Health magazine said that Madison, Wisconsin is the U. S. city with the healthiest teeth. Wearing cheese on your head instead of chewing it cuts down on cavities.

A man staged a sit-in prayer at a gas station asking God for lower gas prices.

The government started mailing out economic stimulus rebate checks — $600 per taxpayer and 300 bucks for a child. I hope such a reward doesn’t encourage polygamy.

A study conducted by the New Hampshire Fish & Game Commission found that an average of 239 moose are killed on that state’s roads every year. That’s three times the casualty rates of the Elks, the Lions, and the Eagles combined.

Ask Al

“Hey, Al, how can I stop people near me from talking so loudly on cell phones?” Pretend to listen attentively. The loud talking cell phone user will mumble something about having a little privacy and take his or her conversation elsewhere.

“Hey, Al, did you ever own a parrot that talked?” No, the one I had was a mime.

“Hey, Al, do you roll the toilet paper from the top or the bottom?” My wife prefers that it rolls from the bottom. As the man of the house, I assert my authority and roll the toilet paper from the bottom.

“Hey, Al, how many degrees do you have?” 98.6.

“Hey, Al, what was your high school prom like?” It was like a night in a crummy gym with a few cheesy streamers. The theme was, “Today is the yesterday you will be trying to forget tomorrow.”

Thoughts while picking rocks

I had to take a break from picking rocks. It was too windy. The anything but gentle breeze kept blowing the rocks out of my reach.

Picking rocks is a good job. It’s exercise, it’s outdoors, and it’s one of those tasks that allows a mind to do what it is supposed to do—think important thoughts.

As I chased rocks, I thought about writing.

Each year, I teach at a number of writers’ conferences around the country and some of the classes are made up of young people. I have had students from elementary school age to college age. It’s a delight spending time in their company.

Each year, I hear someone say, “Why can’t the kids today be like we were?” My mind adds what my voice refuses to say, “Perfect in every way?”

Another person says, “The trouble with the kids today is that they are just like we were.”

I am here to declare that the kids are wonderful. They are not like we were and they should not be like we were. I should have been half as good as they are when I was their age.

I don’t understand their music. My father didn’t understand The Rolling Stones. We understand the next generation by realizing that we will never truly understand them.

I want our young people to do well. They will be paying my Social Security.

I know they will excel. The kids today are amazing.

The world will be in good hands.

The news from Hartland

Hartland does not have its own newspaper, but we do have Harold. Here are the headlines according to Hartland Harold.

The release of the Norwegian walleyes into Lake Inferior declared a failure. A DNR spokesman said, “Honest, we thought they could swim.”

The Lutheran Electric Company threatens to dim the lights of those who do not pay their bills.

Man’s allergies cause him to fall into a sneezing frenzy that got him a job. He was hired by a wind farm to stand by wind turbines on calm days.

A 10-foot Pole refuses to touch anything.

The Pelican Club offers great food and a large bill.

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.