I was sitting around listening to the price of gas go up when I wondered aloud, “What happened to August?”

Well, August was yesterday and yesterday is gone, but here is what happened last month.

Thanks to Brett Favre, millions of people unretired.

A survey of law firms found that each attorney generates up to 100,000 sheets of paper a year.

Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps’ typical breakfast was three fried-egg sandwiches with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise, followed by two cups of coffee, a five-egg omelet, a bowl of grits, three slices of French toast topped with powdered sugar and three chocolate-chip pancakes. His stomach should have gotten the gold medals.

The Wiffle ball celebrated its 55th birthday.

A study suggested cows typically stand north-south. This gave a new meaning to the term “animal magnetism.”

An animal rights activist denounced vegetarianism because mice, moles and rabbits are often killed in the preparation of farmland to grow vegetables.

A man fell down a manhole in Surprise, Arizona.

A chain of British movie theaters banned the sale of popcorn because of complaints about its smell. Beware of secondhand popcorn.

The University of Iowa football team, which accounted for 18 arrests in 16 months, hired a “life skills” coach.

An image of a smiley face was found on an onion ring in Connecticut.

Saudi Arabia didn’t allow women to compete in the Olympics. Saudi Arabia’s 2008 Olympic final medal count was zero.

Chemists reported a discovery that could expand the palate of human tastes — sweet, sour, salty, bitter, and savory — to include a new taste they termed “calcium.”

John Edwards picked the wrong kind of running mate

The alarm clock

I was having a dream that could have garnered me an Academy Award.

The alarm sounded. The time sheriff erased all those warm, fuzzy, comforting memories my dream could have provided.

I slapped a palm down on the alarm button. That’s the international signal for “I don’t want to get up yet.” It’s a sample of grace under pressure. I could have pounded it like I was trying to win a free game.

As the fog cleared from the cobwebbed corner that acts as my brain, I recalled the story related by my neighbor Crandall.

Crandall told me that he had gotten a brand new alarm clock at the Gamble’s Store.

“If you ever need a dependable alarm clock,” said my neighbor, “get one at Gamble’s. Get one of those wind-up clocks. They have two bells on top that will wake the dead. Tell them I sent you. I was setting the clock before going to bed. I read something in the newspaper that said if I’d get up an hour earlier, I’d get 25 percent more done with less stress. So I set the alarm for five instead of six. I’ve always gotten up at six. I prayed that I would have the strength to get up at five. The alarm knocked me right out of bed exactly at five. I hit that button on top and it shut up. Then I slept until noon.”

“Great story,” I said, “but what’s the point?”

“I prayed for strength, but the Lord sent me wisdom instead.”

Hartland Harold

Hartland doesn’t have its own newspaper, but it does have Hartland Harold. Here are the headlines according to Hartland Harold.

Tempura House, a home for battered shrimp, opens.

The Snow White Bar has Happy Hour, Sneezy Hour, Bashful Hour, Doc Hour, Grumpy Hour, Dopey Hour and Sleepy Hour.

Local vending machine accepts what it cannot change.

Scientist believes that lutefisk harms memory. Duh! If it didn’t harm the memory, would anyone eat it twice?

Science discovers that life is bad for a person’s health.

Hartland Grocery adds “As is” section.

Local historical society cleans sod house. Sod house disappears.

Tony Benson records the song, “I Left My Hat in Hartland Somewhere.”

Hartland Worriers’ Baseball Field adds Tobacco Juice Fountain and Reflecting Pool.

Hartland Airlines adopts the motto, “We may be landing near you.”

Butcher shop opens alongside busy highway. It specializes in mystery meat.

Ask Al

“Hey, Al, what do you raise on your farm?” Eyebrows.

“How big is Hartland?” It’s a poke and plumb-sized town. If you poke your head out the window, you’re plumb out of town.

“You claim to have married someone much better than you. Is that true?” It is. I not only married up, I might have skipped an entire species.

“What is the largest nation on earth?” Procrastination.

“What is nostalgia?” Nostalgia is remembering the cozy fireplace while forgetting the woodcutting.

“Someone told me that you were once a pilot. Is that true?” Sort of. My father chopped it and I piled it.

Hartland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.