You’ve waited for it: Predictions for 2009

Published 9:01 am Wednesday, December 31, 2008

My doorbell rings.

I open the door and in walks a robed visitor accompanied by sitar music. It’s the renowned mystic from the Far East (the eastern part of the township), the fabled soothsayer, the seventh son of the seventh son of the seventh son, the oracle from just down the road; Swami Davis Jr. stops by to give me his predictions for 2009. He knows little, but suspects a lot. He’s good at predicting everything except the future.

The Swami has been indwelled by a spirit of divination, a muse of unearthly clairvoyance. The Swami sees all, knows all and reveals all to those who proffer tribute. Within his psyche lie the limits of human understanding. As a fearless, feckless and foolish seer, he is without peer. Even though unreasonable zoning laws that discourage the ancient Roman practice of haruspicy (divining the future by examining the entrails of recently slaughtered beasts) hamper him, you can take his predictions to the bank. That way you will have records for use during your bankruptcy proceedings.

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“Swami Davis Jr., who illuminates the dark corners of our culture, whose knowledge is beyond compare. Oh, wise Swami, thou vessel of infinite wisdom, who is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent, tell me, your humble implorer, what the future holds,” I entreat, knowing that most of my future lies ahead of me.

Many have called him a purveyor of impaired prognostications, but at least one person (his mother) has called him “uncannily accurate.” Swami Davis Jr. is a reader of palms and tea leaves, but he is no Magic 8 Ball. His crystal ball is back from the shop where its prognosticator was replaced, but it is still a little foggy. Here is what Swami Davis Jr. says will happen next year.

The Fox News Channel will cut its budget by removing all facts.

The final installment in the Rocky series —“Rocky Fights With Medicare” — will be released.

An economist will admit that all economists are completely clueless.

Northwest Airlines will develop a strategy guaranteed to resuscitate the airline industry when it decides to stop flying airplanes. The company will simply sell tickets and then tell passengers that all the flights are “extremely delayed.”

An environmentalist will blame all of the world’s problems on right-wing birds.

A Storm of the Century will be downgraded to the Storm of the Hour.

Microsoft will make it necessary for the entire planet to be rebooted.

Thanks to surveillance cameras inside toys made in China, Santa will be able to tell if children are bad or good.

Anyone without health insurance will be required to wear a helmet at all times.

A dish will run away with the spoon. The marriage will be annulled.

A drug company will produce time-release capsules that won’t work until the company has made obscene profits.

In an effort to speed up the game, Major League Baseball will eliminate bats.

The Minnesota High School League will make ice fishing a competitive sport.

Global warming will melt the world’s entire supply of ice cream.

Scientists will develop bigger chickens with smaller heads. The new fowl will produce more meat, but won’t eat as much.

The famed inventor, Pat Pending, will invent square peas, making it possible to eat peas with a knife without buttering them first.

The economy will get so bad that the city of Twin Lakes will downsize to Single Lake.

In an effort to relieve traffic congestion, the governor will eliminate all jobs.

The head of the FCC will demand that all athletes use steroids in order to enhance the high-definition TV experience for viewers.

The world’s overpopulation will be blamed on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

Stonehenge will be found to be an early exhibit of Weebles.

All traffic lights will be reduced to one color — yellow.

The federal government will put 48 states on welfare. Minnesota and Iowa taxpayers will fund it.

Local teens will defeat the Minnesota Gophers in a “Punt, Pass and Kick” competition.

NASCAR will hold a race on I-35 in order to give drivers a respite from making gradual turns.

A Microsoft ad will cause TVs to crash.

In an energy-saving move, Motel 6 will no longer leave a light on for us.

Al Gore will acknowledge that he is the major cause of global warming.

The Hubble Space Telescope will be focused upon Halle Berry.

A car will be produced that will run on potholes and road rage.

Henry Winkler will be arrested and charged with operating a Fonzie scheme.

In an uncertain world, I hope that the Swami has brought even more uncertainty to light.

Remember, if you didn’t accomplish much last year, then your best days are likely ahead of you. However, you should consider your track record.

Hartland resident Al Batt’s column appears every Wednesday and Sunday.