T. S. Eliot wrote, “April is the cruelest month.”

T. S. Eliot didn’t spend many winters in Minnesota.

Edna St. Vincent Millay wrote about spring, “Comes like an idiot, babbling and strewing flowers.”

We spring ahead. Daylight Saving Time allows the snow to melt faster. I hate to sleep late. I might miss spring. Some years, by the time spring gets here, it is nearly over.

According to the calendar, spring begins on the day of the vernal equinox–this is the astronomical spring. Spring begins on March 20 and ends on June 21. Meteorologists observe seasons over different periods. Meteorological spring begins March 1, summer begins June 1, fall begins September 1, and winter begins December 1.

Spring brings about maple syruping. The notion is that if the trees go into winter with wet feet, there will be a good sap season. The neighbors used to hang a bucket on every maple and box elder tree. Spring came with the sound of one clan tapping.

Rains tear out roads without fully melting the soil. Limited maintenance roads lure foolish drivers into their quicksand-like lairs.

The elders speak of coming out of cold storage and being greeted with a dollop of a spring tonic of sulphur and molasses, castor oil, or cod liver oil.

My neighbor Crandall says that when he can stick a shovel into the ground with ease, that’s spring to him.

My neighbor’s neighbor Still Bill says that spring begins the day he sees the first convertible with its top down. Still Bill enjoys not mowing his lawn. He says that there are few thrills to match watching grass grow tall and bend.

To me, spring begins when my UPS driver starts wearing short pants.

We have all heard “Beware the Ides of March.” I would add, “Beware the first day of spring.” It is often immediately followed by the next day of winter.

Ask Al

Customers of this column ask the greatest questions.

“What is your definition of a conscience?” It’s something that tells us when someone is watching.

“What is a simple toy that any child could operate?” A grandparent.

“How do I know if I’m depressed?” Tune to a country music radio station and listen for a half-hour. Then turn it off. If what you heard sounds like your life, you are depressed.

“Why do we put on weight as we get older?” To cushion us when we fall on the ice.

“I have sweat equity in my home. What should I do with it?” Move to Arizona. You’ll gain sweat that way.

“What is your definition of geometry?” It’s the first word an acorn says after it becomes an oak.

“Why are there so many wind turbines in farm fields?” There aren’t as many as it appears. Half of the structures are large electric fans used to keep the windmills turning.

The news from Hartland

Here in Hartland we depend upon Hartland Harold to keep us informed. He suspects a lot and here are some of the latest headlines from Hartland Harold.

Dr. Splint Eastwood offers advice for dieters, “Eat as much as you are able, it will feel good when you stop.”

Gladys Saturday teaches a “Thumbs only” typing class for Community Edification Class.

East Hartland City Council notifies citizens that there will be a closed meeting on the open meeting law.

A class on how to use the wedgie for self-defense will be taught by Hall-of-Famer Wedgie Jackson.

Mechanic finds bird flu in a 1973 Thunderbird.

Local family tells highway that it is adopted.

Wanted: Small rototiller for use in window box.

Tom Carr opens a used plumbing supply shop in West Hartland. The sign on his store reads, “Honest Carr, Used John Salesman.”

Origami School folds.

Man hit by dairy truck continues to suffer from ice cream headaches.

Daylight Savings Time

Daylight Savings Time kicks in every March. What did we save? Are your Cheerios more cheerful when eaten while it’s darker outside? Maybe it would be better for the economy if we would spring ahead only a half-hour. I lost an hour of sleep and spent hours trying to remember where all the clocks were and how to change the time on each one. I discovered that there were several that I had neglected to set to fall back and had no need to spring ahead. Life is good.

March

“Beware the ides of March,” ’twas warned, or so goes ancient ballad;

But Caesar heard it not, and so they turned him into salad.

Hal Borland wrote, “March wind is the dying breath of winter, the first triumphant gasp of spring…it is the wind of change.”

We need March to hold all of the crummy weather that wouldn’t fit into February.

Hartland resident Al Batt’s column appears every Wednesday and Sunday.