“We see things not as they are but as we are.” — Anais Nin, an obscure literary figure.

This quote holds so much truth. How easy it is for us to judge someone else’s decisions, behaviors, values, styles of dress, etc. We are doing that through our own eyes and our own life experiences. But that is only one view of the world. It is usually by judging others that we get into trouble. If we don’t know the other person’s story, we don’t know “why” behind the way they live.

I came across this quote by author Anais Nin earlier this spring and had been contemplating how that relates to interaction with people when I took a walk with a friend a few weeks ago. As we were conversing on our trek, my friend commented that she had been in a discussion with friends about how easy it is to judge others and how she was working really hard to step back from making judgment recognizing that she wouldn’t want people judging her as they may judge her wrongly. It created great conversation between the two of us as well as reminded me of a tool I use when teaching about culture and diversity.

Think about an iceberg. It is the tip of the iceberg that we can see and from which we make judgment. What we don’t know is what is under the iceberg, how big it is, how deep it goes, how long it has been there, and all the other aspects of what it means to be an iceberg. So it is when we see others. We often make judgments by what we see from the outside — the color of someone’s skin, an age category, their gender, their dress style, etc. Based on the outward appearance we make assumptions.

It was not the tip of the iceberg that sank the Titanic. Underneath the tip was the enormous mass that was not recognized and acknowledged. Part of an iceberg is immediately visible; part of it emerges and submerges with the ocean tide and it’s foundation goes deep into the ocean. So it is with people. We only know what we see from the outside. Beneath the tip — or the surface — lies the tapestry of people’s lives. Deep roots of family and cultural values, familial roles, societies’ expectations, world views, spiritual values, educational experiences, etc.

The tip of the iceberg encompasses aspects of culture that are explicit, visible, taught. This includes written explanations, as well as those thousands of skills and information conveyed through formal lessons, such as manners or computing long division or baking bread. Also above water are the tangible aspects: from the “cultural markers” tourists seek out such as French bread or Guatemalan weaving, to the conformity in how people dress, the way they pronounce the letter “R,” how they season their food, the way they expect an office to be furnished.

Just below the tip is the transition zone that can be more difficult if you are just observing another culture of people from other cultures. Here one has to be more alert: “Now you see it; now you don’t,” the area where implicit understandings become talked about, explained — mystical experiences are codified into a creed; the area where official explanations and teachings become irrational, contradictory, inexplicable — where theology becomes faith.

Deep below the water line is the “hidden” culture: the habits, assumptions, understandings, values, judgments — that we know but do not or cannot articulate them to others. Usually these aspects are not taught directly. Think about mealtime, for example, and the order you eat foods at dinner: Do you end with dessert? With a pickle? With tea? Nuts and cheese? Just have one course with no concluding dish? Or, in these modern times, do you dispense with a sit-down meal altogether? Or consider how you know if someone is treating you in a friendly manner: Do they shake hands? Keep a respectful distance with downcast eyes? Leap up and hug you? Address you by your full name? These sorts of daily rules are learned by osmosis — you may know what tastes “right” or when you’re treated “right,” but because these judgments are under-the-waterline, it usually doesn’t occur to you to question or explain those feelings.

In our community — whether that’s Albert Lea, or Minnesota, or the United States, or the globe, we must be wise in recognizing that as we see others, we are seeing them through our eyes, through our deep water values and life experiences. When we don’t take the time to understand other’s world view, when we think we have the “right” way, the results are often not peaceful. So, as my friend said to me, “I continually am challenging myself when I want to judge to ask myself, “and what is the rest of their story?”

Mary Laeger-Hagemeister is a member of Paths to Peace of Freeborn County.