Oprah Winfrey is retiring.

I sat and watched as every media organization played this out and made recommendations and comments on who just might be the next person to fill Oprah’s shoes. It was amazing. I do not think that anyone will be able to fill her shoes as she was and is a historic figure in television.

Think about it. Oprah chose a president, made you read books (long books at that), made movies, has a magazine and became a BFF to every woman in America. Oprah single-handedly turned everything she touched into gold.

After so many phenomenal years of success, I think the only person that could follow Oprah is me.

I know what you are saying: “Scott, you are not even very good at your job now. What makes you think you could do what Oprah has done?”

My answer is that Oprah and I have a lot in common. Let’s take a look at the similarities between Oprah and me.

Oprah has battled weight problems and yo-yo dieting for many years, and so have I.

Oprah has met Dan Buettner, and so have I.

Oprah likes books and recommends them to a worldwide audience, and I like books and will on occasion recommend them to friends of mine.

Oprah has a net worth of about $2.7 billion, give or take a few mil, and I have read books about people who have a lot of money.

Oprah has a personal trainer, a chef and an assistant or 20. I can make toast, own a treadmill and have two dogs that will sometimes listen to me.

Oprah is a very elegant dresser, and I have a cool Packer-Viking No. 4 Favre jersey.

Oprah gives away cars, and I own a car. Man, it really is crazy as the similarities are endless.

Oprah is comfortable interviewing celebrities and has many of them as friends, and I have met Brett Favre, the five living little people from “The Wizard of Oz,” one of which was the lollipop kid, and was recently confused for Ty Pennington.
To: Oprah Winfrey

From: Fan

Date: Dec. 3, 2009

Re: Your replacement

Dear Oprah,

I am so sad to hear that you are retiring as your show has brought me many laughs, tears and book reviews over the years. I still remember where I was when Tom Cruise jumped on your couch. Wow!

I am dropping you this quick note to tell you that I have the perfect person to replace you on your show. His name is Scott Schmeltzer and the two of you have a lot in common. He is bright and charming and looks a bit like Johnny Depp in the right light. You should call him at (507) 373-1411 or drop him a note at the Albert Lea Tribune, 808 W. Front St., Albert Lea, MN 56007

I really think he would be very good, and I am not just doing this for a free car.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
So now that you are as convinced as I am about my qualifications as a replacement or heir to the Oprah throne, here is what we need to do.

We need to start a letter-writing campaign. I will help you out as below I will write the letter and give you the address to which to send it. You will need to cut the letter out — I provided cut lines, just follow with scissors and for gosh sakes do not run with them! — and provide your own stamp and envelope. Because I am asking you to provide your own stamp and envelope, I will reward you with (announcer voice) a brand new car! (That is, if I get Oprah’s job.)I think that is quite a trade.

You get a car if I get the job, and all you have to do is send this letter to Oprah. I also will sweeten the deal by filming a week of my new nationally syndicated show from Freeborn County!

(See letter to the right.)

So after you sign your name or even make up a name, just cut it out and mail to:

Harpo Studios, Inc.

1058 W. Washington Blvd.

Chicago, IL

60607

Thanks for your help, and I am crossing my fingers that you all get a new car before the holidays.

Your friend and yes, I will still talk to you after I am famous if you get through my entourage and security people.

Tribune Publisher Scott Schmeltzer’s column appears every Thursday.