The savant makes his prognostications for 2010

Published 7:33 am Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I’m playing with the boxes that my Christmas presents came in when the doorbell rings.

I open the door and in walks a robed visitor accompanied by sitar music. It’s the renowned mystic from the Far East (the eastern part of the township), the fabled soothsayer, the seventh son of the seventh son of the seventh son, the oracle from just down the road; Swami Davis Jr. stops by to give me his predictions for 2010. He knows little, but suspects a lot. He’s good at predicting everything except the future.

The Swami has been indwelled by a spirit of divination, a muse of unearthly clairvoyance. The Swami sees all, knows all, and reveals all to those who proffer tribute. A savant of such gifts that he knows what he will forget. Within his psyche lie the limits of human understanding. As a fearless, feckless, and foolish seer, he is without peer. By comparison, Nostradamus is a bad guesser. Even though unreasonable zoning laws that discourage the ancient Roman practice of haruspicy (divining the future by examining the entrails of recently slaughtered beasts) hamper him, you can take his predictions to the bank. That way you will have records for use during your bankruptcy proceedings.

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“Swami Davis Jr., who illuminates the dark corners of our culture, whose knowledge is beyond compare. Oh, wise Swami, thou vessel of infinite wisdom, who is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent, tell me, your humble implorer, what the future holds,” I entreat, knowing that most of my future lies ahead of me.

Many have called him a purveyor of impaired prognostications, but at least one person (his mother) has called him “uncannily accurate.” Swami Davis Jr. is a reader of palms and tea leaves, but he is no Magic 8 Ball. His crystal ball (purchased at a rummage sale at the bowling alley) is back from the shop where its foreteller was replaced, but it is still a little foggy. Here is what Swami Davis, Jr. says will happen next year.

It will be learned that aliens from outer space have been visiting us for years during Star Trek conventions.

Sarah Palin will resign from her book tour and give no reason.

Gas prices will change from what they are now.

IGA will buy AIG and turn it into a supermarket selling insurance and investments in the bread aisle.

A researcher will declare that Shakespeare is definitely not the author of Cliff’s Notes.

The economy will cause the Super Bowl to be downgraded to the Pretty Good Bowl.

In a cost-saving move, the Pentagon will become the Triangle.

The County Board will hold a bake sale to raise money to fix roads.

National health care will become a reality funded entirely by a tax on unnecessary cell phone calls made by users with strident voices in public places.

Due to the economy, the NFL will lay off players and go to nine-man football.

Victoria’s Secret will remain no secret.

In an attempt to cut costs, the governor will declare all state roads to be limited maintenance roads.

A vast right wing conspiracy will be discovered in turkey farms.

As many people are unable to afford sunscreen, Al Gore will warn about global tanning.

A Starbucks will open at the end of the road less traveled.

All state bridges will be protected by trolls.

A reality TV show about nice, average, normal people will garner miserable ratings.

Contractors’ College will hold its graduation ceremony. Not a single graduate will show up on time.

BMW will downsize to BM.

A liberal media bias will be found in alphabet soup.

A Starbucks will open in a pothole in local highway. Customers will be required to wear helmets.

A local manufacturing plant will open and produce “Made in China” labels.

The U.S. Government, in a cost-saving move, will change the names of all cities to their corresponding zip codes.

“How to Get Rich And Thin by Dating Celebrities” will become a bestseller.

An insurance company will begin giving discounts to customers who promise to drive only while wearing clean underwear.

The state will lower the speed limit to 54.99 miles per hour to cut down on the number of accidents.

Politicians will get worse with experience.

Tiger Woods’ psychic girlfriend will dump him before they meet.

Congress will eliminate February in a budget-cutting move. Leaders will claim that this will cut annual expenditures by nearly one-twelfth.

In an uncertain world, the Swami has brought even more uncertainty to light. I predict the Swami’s predictions will be wrong. I hope he enjoys the taste of crow.

Remember, if you didn’t accomplish much last year, then your best days are likely ahead of you. However, you should consider your track record.

Harland resident Al Batt’s columns appear every Wednesday and Sunday.